"I haven’t been enjoying my job as much as I used to and last Sunday whilst brushing my daughter’s hair and thinking about making her lunch and all of the things I had awaiting for me this week, I had an anxiety attack which progressively got worse over the next few days. After speaking with a dear friend, she finally admitted to me that I hadn’t been myself since going back to work full time.
After many discussions with my husband (who is extremely supportive of me in every way), we came to the decision for me to quit my job and be a stay at home mum. Whilst doing this, I can also help him with his accounts (as he has his own business) and he can concentrate on doing the part of the business that he does best.
I however am feeling extremely guilty about not being able to handle working full-time and being a mum. I feel I should be able to handle it as so many other women do but then I also have extreme envy that I miss out on seeing my daughter run to the front door to greet me at the end of the day like she does with my husband when he gets home from work. As my friend said to me, “you only have the one child and you only get one chance at your and her life”. Financially we would be OK, obviously tightening the belt on things, so why is it so difficult to accept that it’s an easy decision to make?”
Here was our advice in response:
What you’re feeling – the angst, stress, confusion and guilt – is extremely common amongst mums, as I’m sure you’ll see in many of these responses.
I wrote a book on working motherhood a few years ago and now work with women to balance their lives in this area. I see women every day who struggle with this decision (and overcome it by making strong choices that are right for them and their families in their own particular contexts, as you have).
Feminism liberated us to ‘have it all’ and it’s great that we have choices. There is no one right way to live this out. Some women thrive on full-time work, others thrive on working part-time, others thrive as stay-at-home mums. What we choose to do now may not be the same as what we’ll choose to do in twelve months, or in five years (we’re not ‘locking ourselves in’, although we sometimes view our choices in that way, which isn’t helpful). The reality is that many women are so tired they can’t remember why we wanted it all in the first place!
One thing that is common to women I work with no matter what their circumstances (senior executives, stay-home mums, part-timers, full-timers, business owners etc) is a private fear that they are ‘not good enough’. This is compounded if they observe other women who appear to have it all together (these women rarely do – certainly not to the extent that it seems on face value).
It’s like that sense that we all have from time to time that we’re ‘floundering’ (in our jobs, mothering, combining the two) and that any minute now we’ll be ‘found out’ and exposed. We tend to think that this fear is unique to us – that everyone else is coping so much better than we are. This isn’t true! According to some research that I can’t put my finger on at the moment, the fear of ‘not being good enough’ is one of the top three fears that most people experience.
One of the questions I often ask people is ‘are you living fast, or deep?’ Most of us would love to answer that we’re living ‘deep’, but instead we feel a sense of dashing ‘fast’ between an onslaught of roles, commitments, responsibilities and relationships – on only a surface level. It’s exhausting and unsatisfying to live in a whirlwind of urgency, because you’ve taken on too much (not only at work, but outside it).
If you continue pushing through at a pace that is too ‘much’ for too long, something breaks. Tina, your decision – difficult though it has been to make – is guarding against that. As previous posters have said, the hardest part is making the decision – it gets easier after that.
As far as the feelings of guilt go, think of it this way – when you choose to say ‘no’ to something, you are giving more meaning to your ‘yes’.
You are saying ‘yes’ to your health and wellbeing, which will benefit your marriage and family for a long time to come. The adage, ‘happy mum = happy baby’ applies equally for those with older children (and, it could be said, with relationships between adults).
Life is a book. We are all writing our own stories (and how boring it would be if they were all the same). There’s no need for us to cram the entire plot into one chapter.
There will be plenty of time for other pursuits. Right now, you’ve made a great personal decision and it’s time to let go of how things were and to learn to love the new arrangement!
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