Lessons from the Vancouver Riot Kiss

It was the kiss that captured the world's imagination.

Romantics, the media and advertising companies (who are now desperate to use the image) were bowled over when a young Canadian woman was knocked down and injured by riot police only to have her Australian boyfriend - barman and stand-up comic, Scott Jones - deliver one of the world's most unlikely, passionate and brilliantly-photographed kisses.   (See it here.)

Scott explained that Alex, was 'somewhat distraught' having been caught up, literally, in the ice-hocky riots.  He kissed her 'to calm her down'.

We all have times when - faced with stressful circumstances - we find ourselves in an unresourceful state: panicking, going blank, becoming emotional, creating 'drama'.

The conscious mind has a habit of going around in circles and sometimes needs to be snapped out of an unproductive state and into a mood and perspective where progress can be made.  There are times when we need to tell our brains: 'STOP! This is going nowhere!'  Scott's unexpected kiss had that effect.

A dropped coin on the ground, the sound of a plate smashing, screeching tyres, a fighter jet flying overhead... all of these can distract us from the track we're playing in our minds.  Once we are snapped out of it, it becomes more difficult to return to the previous state - the pattern has been interrupted and something must change.

Start today

If a situation or meeting is becoming intense - if you, or someone else, is stuck in an unresourceful pattern - find a way to 'break state'.

If you can't scramble a fighter jet and don't fancy an impromptu kiss, try humour.  Even asking something as innocuous as 'do you smell popcorn?' can 'break state' enough to interrupt the patterns in the mind so that they jump to a new, more positive track.  

Find your inner gumboot fairy

I was chatting with someone recently and she said, whimsically, 'I just wish I could release my inner hippie at work'...  (She works in a male-dominated, uniformed institution where hippies are not usually seen unless they're out the front, protesting.)

When I asked if the person she lets others see is the Real Her, or someone else, she reluncantly admitted that it was the latter.

Lots of us do this.  If we keep other people at arm's length, they're more likely to find us acceptable.  Less likely to notice our flaws.  We're more likely to fit in - and one of the top three fears most people have is of 'not belonging'.

Another friend sent me the photo, above, of her two-year-old daughter in a fairy dress and gumboots and the caption 'one day she will conform'.   Sadly - odds are that she will.

Start today

Who is your inner 'gumboot fairy' and when was she last seen?

Think of your 'authentic self' - the person you were originally, before layers and layers of 'conditioning' by the world shaped you into the person you now let other people see.

The Real You believes in herself and is 100% valuable and confident.  She wants to be authentic in every situation.  She thinks she looks fantastic in gum boots!

She doesn't doubt and second-guess, doesn't conform or shape herself to fit someone else's idea of 'normal'.  This authentic version of yourself won't put up with a situation or pretend things are better than they are, because that isn't being true (and that's exhausting).

Imagine the effortlessness of living when there's no more 'act'.  Think of the freedom of being YOU in every situation... hippie, gumboots and all, and having confidence in that person...  

Want the antidote to fear?

A good friend and colleague of mine, Audrey Thomas of Ajile Focus, reminded me last week that the brain cannot process both fear and appreciation simultaneously.  Fear exists to keep us on guard to escape dangerous situations - without it we'd waltz into calamities unwarned.

The idea behind 'gratitude journals' (where you write down five or ten things that you are grateful for each day) is that, if you are firing up the 'appreciation' sector in the brain, the fear sector can't work.  Not only that, but - just as fear breeds more fear - looking for positives breeds more positive thoughts.

I thought I'd try this out on Facebook on Friday night (exciting life that I lead!) by asking the women in my online mums' group to post five things that they're grateful for.  We're so used to posts on lack of sleep and teething troubles that it was a beautiful change to spend some time focusing on the simple things that bring us happiness.

One lady in particular has had a rough time over the last few months, and that day in particular.  Her partner has been in and out of hospital ever since their baby was born, having developed a persistent infection following surgery after a work accident.  She was finding little, other than her baby daughter, to appreciate.

Minutes later, though, her life seemed to change.

While we were all chatting on Facebook, she opened her laptop computer, which she'd taken in to hospital earlier in the day so her partner could use it to pay some bills.  To her surprise, up popped an electronic 'sticky note', containing a beautifully-worded marriage proposal!

It is said that what you focus on, you get.  My friend's life hadn't really changed at all - the proposal, and the future it promised together, had been there all afternoon.  The only change was that she'd switched on the computer and noticed it.

As soon as she started focusing on her happiness, she started finding more and more positive things to be thankful for and was able to post them in her list.

Start today

Often, we let the 'bad stuff' take centre stage.  The good things in our lives are there all along - and they're not always in our line of sight because we're not looking in the right direction.

Make a choice today to focus on the people and things, the experiences, qualities and opportunities that you are grateful for, and write these down.  Watch this list grow, the more you focus on it.

If we can choose which part of the brain we engage - the part that processes fear or the part that processes appreciation, is it really any contest?

How to ask for balance

Pacific Brands CEO, Sue Morphet, said last week that women will break the glass ceiling when Australian corporate culture dictates that everyone goes home for dinner.

A lot of my clients say they feel trapped in the long hours of their work culture. I've heard the same lament from doctors, lawyers, musicians, historians and a romance novelist. (What is so urgent about history, I wonder...)

People sometimes feel powerless to change things, and we often find that's not the case.

If you're interested in changing a pattern that has you regularly missing dinner at home, arrange a meeting with your manager to discuss how to change this (The model below is reproduced from the Results Through People training course).

Take to the meeting:

• your (reasonable) idea of how long an average working day/week would be for you.
• a record of your working hours over three pay periods
• a list of the work tasks currently on your plate

Seek agreement on:
• the reasonable length of an average working day/week for you
• the priority order of your current tasks

In the meeting, acknowledge these things:
• There will be times when important work priorities will mean that you work longer than the 'average week'
• Those occasions should be the exception, not the rule
• You will meet regularly to review priorities and working hours

If you're a manager, consider having a conversation like this with each of your staff, and watch their commitment levels soar.

The Lesson of Princess Beatrice's Hat

Described as a giant pretzel, a set of antlers or a freakish Teletubbies accessory - Princess Beatrice's choice of wedding millinery was either daringly fashion-forward or disastrous.

Either way, the hat became a laughing stock and inspired its own Facebook Group ('Princess Beatrice's ridiculous royal wedding hat' which, at the time of writing had attracted 143,016 followers).

How does a Princess respond to worldwide hat condemnation?

Toss the hat on the Royal scrap heap? Get into the spirit and put the hat up for auction on eBay to raise money for UNICEF UK and Children in Crisis?

Beatrice chose the latter option and included the cheery message: 'I've been amazed at the attention the hat has attracted... I hope whoever wins the auction has as much fun with the hat as I have.'

The hat went for $123,390 this morning.

Start today

When things go wrong, or don't work out as well as we'd hoped, it's easy to give up. Sometimes, though, something can be salvaged, changed or turned into Plan B.

Next time you find yourself in a situation resembling 'Beatrice's Hat', before you ditch the idea entirely, see if there's some way that you can take the idea in an entirely new direction.

You never know where your recycled idea might lead.

Change your perspective in 27 seconds

The Guardian newspaper once ran a very effective television advertisement about differing points of view. Have a look at it here.

At first glance, we think the 'skin head' guy has robbed someone. Then, the camera pans the other way and we see him chasing a well-dressed man with a brief case. Perhaps the businessman is the baddie?

The camera pans out again and we notice that scaffolding above the pair is about to collapse. It turns out that the skin head is pushing the businessman out of harm's way.

Who knew we could be wrong so many times in only 27 seconds?

Start today

We all know that taking a different perspective can be a healthy way to view a problem. Have you ever had something go wrong, only to re-hash it in your mind, while the distressing emotions stayed with you?

One technique to create some distance between yourself and the memory of a difficult situation is to view it in a 'disassociated' way. In other words, if you must mull over that bad conversation that you had with your boss - do it from the perspective of a third person.

When we're truly 'associated' in a memory, we're re-living it as if looking at it through our own eyes. We're hearing it as we heard things on the day. We're feeling our emotions. It seems very 'real'.

Taking a step back - 'disassociating' yourself - can give you a different, less emotional perspective.

When to 'disassociate':

•Thinking about unpleasant or difficult memories

•Preparing to go into a challenging conversation

•Walking into a job interview or presentation when you want to calm your nerves

When to 'associate':

•Thinking about pleasant memories

•Trying to imagine and understand another person's perspective ('get into their shoes')

•Recalling times when you felt confident, at ease, relaxed, strong, loved etc. (And when you're doing this, really ramp up those memories - add in colour and vibrance, movement, smell, taste, sound and emotion. Then turn it all up!)

Don't like it? Change it!

I had an inspiring conversation with a friend this week. In the last year, she has beaten cancer.

Facing her mortality changed her perspective for the better. The disease taught her lessons that she's glad to have learnt now, before she hits her 40s, rather than in mid-life or beyond.

She can't agonise over trivial things any more. At work, while other people are stuck in 'drama', she's calmly looking for a way around the problem. It's only work.

If someone is unhappy in a job or relationship, she tells them to get out. Change it. Do something. You're not stuck.

She's also changed the way she parents her children. She's more relaxed. She's deeply thankful for what she has.

She appreciates everything - large and small - much more than she used to.

Start today

Sometimes the people with the best attitude and the best balance in their lives are those who've had a big wake-up call. They give us proof that we can choose to change our circumstances and our attitudes, to improve the quality of our lives.

The key message I think my friend would want to convey to us is this: WAKE UP. Time is the most precious thing we have.