Mid 30's Crisis

A study released last week declared that the 30s are the new 40s when it comes to having a mid-life crisis.

If you haven't made good headway to the top of your chosen career by your mid-30s, it seems you're unlikely to get there. When you mix that sense of not having a 'brilliant career' with a cocktail of demanding (yet lovable) kids (or an unmet desire for them), large mortgages, ageing parents and time-poor relationships - it's no wonder so many people are quietly wishing there was 'more to life'...

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Feelings of disappointment, depression and helplessness often stem from a sense of lack of choice. It's common to feel trapped by the decisions we made in our twenties, and to feel that we have 'made our bed, now we have to lie in it'.

If you're feeling the pressure of 'mid life' (at any age) it's time, not for a crisis, but for a 'review'.

What choices do you have, even if they are difficult choices to make? Most things are not set in stone - we just perceive them to be.

Romance versus football

Someone I know is getting married next Saturday in Canberra, at 2.30pm.

The wedding clashes with the AFL Grand Final in Melbourne - serving up a challenge of priorities for many of the guests, no doubt.

Perhaps no one will struggle more with this than the minister who is officiating at the wedding of his long-term family friends. He is also Chaplain to the Collingwood football team.

I might be a hopeless romantic without a flicker of interest in football of any description (it's all I can do to pay attention during my own daughter's soccer matches), but even I can see the quandary here.

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Often, when two priorities clash, we try to find a way to meet both expectations at least partially.

Sometimes, though, we're faced with what feels like an impossible choice. We simply can't be in two places at once, and must let someone down.

When this happens, it's a good idea to choose to be at the event you would later regret missing the most.

Once you've made your decision, throw yourself into being there 100%. Anything less, and you might as well have missed both occasions - which doesn't do justice to either.

Be a dream-maker

One of my best friends is leaving for a whirlwind tour of Europe late tonight.

She's been talking about this trip and pouring over travel brochures since we were fourteen years old. Travelling has been her dream all this time, but one thing or another always seemed to get in the way of turning this into reality.

Or did it? All the reasons not to go are still there: kids, money, hectic job. Instead of getting on that long-haul flight tonight, she could still be thinking about it wistfully.

What changed this year was her choice not to dream any longer but to take action, march into a travel agent and book a date. This happened months ago, with plenty of time to ask for leave, re-arrange her schedule, have her children cared for and save the money. Now, here she is - ticket in hand, world at her feet.

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What are you still dreaming about, when you could be enjoying the reality?

Enjoy the feeling of getting out of the passenger's seat and into the driver's seat in your life.

Celebrating your quiet achievements

I was recently involved in the panel for some job interviews, and the final question asked applicants to describe a work achievement of which they are particularly proud.

The expected array of big, sparkling achievements was rolled out by various applicants. Some of them were quite impressive.

The answer that stood out, though, was a simple admission from a woman who became quite emotional when she said that she had reached a point in her career where she knows what she's doing. When people ask her for help, or when they need information, she instinctively knows the answer. It's a point that, earlier in the job when she was floundering in the role, she couldn't imagine herself ever reaching.

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If we feel like we're getting nowhere, it's often because we're overlooking our little victories. We're so busy striving for flashy results, or comparing ourselves against other people's neon-lit milestones that we don't notice the small steps we're taking each day that add up over time to significant progress.

Big results don't always arrive wrapped in glamorous packages. Give credit to your 'quiet achievements'. If you're lucky, you'll develop a perspective like the woman we interviewed.

Incidentally, she got the job. So, having stepped up to the next level, she might start floundering again at first.

This time she knows she can hurdle it.

What exactly are you doing?

I was diagnosed with a touch of gestational diabetes this week, which involves taking blood-sugar readings several times and day and keeping a detailed food diary. I also had a meeting with my accountant, who wants me to 'diarise' the entire family's use of the telephone and internet for a month, plus the car usage.

While it's an inconvenience to do these tasks, I'm amazed at the wake-up call it has given me. There's no hiding those extra chocolates, or time spent face-booking, when it's written down in black-and-white.

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If you're wondering where the time goes, or where the kilos are creeping up from, keep a diary for a week and the answer will present itself. It's one week of effort to create an empowering and informed starting point for making positive changes in your life.

Glass half full

So, here we are, hanging, Government-less, while a handful of men decide who should be in charge of the nation.

I took my daughters with me to vote on Saturday. Sophie, (nine), gave me advice on who to support: 'Vote for Mike Kelly, Mummy - he's tall, and when he comes to our school for a visit we get out of school work. He doesn't look like he's in labour, though - he's not that fat!'

Glad to have some sensible advice, I forged my way through the throng of party faithful as they lavished attention like a swarm of paparazzi, shook my hand and said hi to the children.

It's so easy to get annoyed by it all. The campaign, the hype, the media frenzy, the daily letterbox drops, the inconvenience of finding a car park and queuing to vote - the lack of an outcome.

One of my best friends had a different view. She wrote, 'We are so lucky to live in a country where all we have to battle through are the spruikers handing out how-to-vote cards, and not Defence personnel with guns keeping us safe, while we wonder if we'll disappear in the next day or two, just for turning up.'

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We can easily get side-tracked by the minor inconveniences in our lives, losing sight of the bigger, and often more positive, picture.

This week, if you find yourself focusing on the empty half of the glass - not just as we watch our politicians battle it out to form a Government, but in any of your personal situations - flip the picture on its head and look at the positive side.

Life seems so much brighter when we learn to do this, and problems start to shrink in importance.

The 25-hour day: how to find seven extra hours each week

When you’re asked: ‘How are you?’ do you answer:
a) busy

b) flat out, or

c) frantic

There are other options, but it’s been so long since I’ve heard any of them that I can’t remember what they are.

If you’re stuck on treadmill set to ‘max’ with an ever-increasing incline, pushing yourself to keep going, hoping you won’t be flung off the end of the machine – you’re not alone!

The Australian Work and Life Index found that working mums are more harried and pressed for time than ever before. We know we need more ‘me time’, but how can we fit another thing into the twenty-four hours we’ve already crammed full of work, family, friends, study, multiplying loads of washing, supervising school projects, the taxi service we provide for our kids and crawling into bed after the day is done, thinking, ‘I just need one more hour in the day...’

It can be easier to find that extra hour than you think! Try working through this ten-minute exercise:

How will you spend your extra ‘me time’?

When you’re given a pay rise, it can be easy to expand into the added income unless you have a goal in mind – like saving for a particular holiday. It’s the same with our time. We fritter it away if we don’t have a plan in mind for how we want to spend it.

If you had an extra hour each day to spend on yourself, and you weren’t allowed to use it for work or housework, how would you fill it? Make a mini ‘bucket list’ of all the things you’d love to do, the activities you used to enjoy and the experiences you long to try.

Pick the one that excites you most and write this at the top of a fresh page, with two columns drawn underneath.

Stack on the pleasure

If you found time for this activity, what would it give you? What are the positive spin-offs? Would you feel calmer if you found time for this? More stimulated, centred, rewarded, patient, interesting or happy?

If you felt these things, how would this affect those around you? What impact would it have on your work? What would your family notice about you?

Jot these points in the right-hand column.

What’s the cost of not doing this?

On the left, write down what’s going to happen if you don’t make time for this activity. How will this affect you? How will you feel if things stay the same as they are now? What will your mood be like? How will you interact with others? What will your concentration levels be?

If you don’t give yourself time for this activity and keep plugging on at the pace you are now, what is it going to cost you in the short, medium and long term?

How have you been spending your spare time?

Draw a large outline of a human eye, with the pupil in the centre and a smaller circle to one side, representing a ‘blind spot’.

Think of the last seven days. What have you been focussing on in your spare time? Favourite TV programs? Facebook? Surfing the internet? Jot down these activities in the centre of your ‘eye’.

Now, think of the activity you ‘don’t have time for’. Is it in your focus at all, or in your blind spot?

Look at what’s been consuming your attention. Compare the benefits of these activities to those you’ve identified for the new activity. Which is a better use of your time?

Cut the cake a different way

Recognise that you can allocate your spare time in several different ways. Shift some of the less important time-wasters out of your near focus and into your blind spot, freeing up extra time.

Bring your desired activity front and centre in your focus. Take your diary and block out set times for this over the next seven days.

Tell your partner and kids about it and get them on board by encouraging them to do the same thing for an activity of their choice. Balance your individual desires as a family.

Be 100% present

When it’s time for you to enjoy your extra hour of ‘me time’, absorb yourself in it 100%

Set aside all thoughts of ‘what else I should be doing’ and truly enjoy this gift to yourself.

By learning to live ‘deep’ - not ‘fast’ – we’re setting our treadmill at a comfortable pace.