WorkLifeBliss Blog

Turn things around with this one easy technique

2011-07-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

'I should take work home tonight.'

'I can't go to the movies because of the exam.'

'It's not my fault I didn't get the job.'

'I hope it doesn't happen again.'

'If only things were different...'

Do you catch yourself uttering disempowering statements like these? You might as well scream 'I have no control over my life!'

Speak like this for long and you may notice a creeping sense of hopelessness and frustration. That's because the subconscious mind does not think for itself. It believes whatever is fed to it, whether the words are true or not.

The more we say things like 'I should' and 'I can't', the more weak and powerless the subconscious believes us to be. Beliefs like that shape our behaviours, which shape our actions, which change our results.

The easiest and fastest way to improve your results is to change the ideas that you feed to the subconscious. It can be as simple as changing a few key words.

Start today

Remove words from your vocabulary that imply that you have no options.

'I should take work home' paints you as a trapped by your job and introduces guilt.

'I could take work home' introduces power and choice. While the outcome might be the same (taking work home), it might not be - either way, the subconcious is hearing that you are in control of what you do, and that builds higher self-esteem and confidence.

'I can't go to the movies because of the exam tomorrow'. The subconscious hears: Woe is me! I'm a victim - trapped and powerless because of an exam!

Say instead, 'I chose to do this course. I could go to the movies, or I could study for the exam'.

'It's not my fault' is a disempowering phrase suggesting that things happen 'to' you, not 'because of your actions'. It gets you nowhere.

Even if it's the case that the employer gave the job to his nephew instead of you, saying 'it's not my fault' is still disempowering, dead-end thinking.

Taking responsibility for the outcome, regardless of the cause, leads you to find ways to improve. Unless your interview performance was perfect, there's room for personal growth regardless of who got the job and why. 'I take responsibility for getting the job' is empowering language.

'If only things were different'. BORING. Whine, whine, whine. Powerless.

'Next time, I'll do things differently...' This positions you in a realm where choice, options and opportunities exist. It puts you in the driver's seat.

Start by observing and noting down how frequently you feed negative ideas to your subconscious. You might be surprised at the extent of your disempowering self-talk.

Change one word at a time - why not focus just on replacing 'should' with 'could' this week, and see the difference that makes.

To read more on moving your language from 'pain' to 'power', see Susan Jeffers' best-seller, Feal the fear and do it anyway.

What's the TOP reason you're not confident?

2011-07-17T14:51:00.000-07:00

Don't ask, but I seem to have become addicted to America's Next Top Model (cycle 15, on Fox).

They're down to the final two contestants - Chelsey (experienced, self-assured, determined) and Ann - pictured above (awkward, gangly and a self-confessed nerd).

Whenever there's a hint of having to act dramatically in an upcoming shoot, do something sexy or anything outside her comfort zone, Ann shrinks into a quivering mess and feels sick with nerves.

Even so, she goes on to win the series convincingly because, right when it's needed, she absolutely shines.

Start today

Have you ever sat on your lounge, feeling nervous and unsure - thinking 'I don't have the confidence to do it!' (I don't mean enter a top modelling competition necessarily - something a little closer to home).

There's a reason you don't feel strong enough. Confidence only shows up right when we need it.

It's not required while we're reclining safely on the lounge in track pants and ughs, with a cup of tea.

It's needed the second we walk out onto that stage, step in front of that podium, enter that job interview, jump off that bungee platform or walk down that aisle.

The only way to find confidence is to DO the very thing that you're afraid of. Imagine the possibilities then.

How big is your stumbling block, really?

2011-07-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

Somewhere along the course of my life, I formed a belief about myself that 'I am not an "IT" person'.

Perhaps it was back in 1984, when Garran Primary School introduced Year Five to a weekly class on 'Computers', which was held in the Art room, taught by Mr Corp (the PE teacher) and consisted of us writing a program in our exercise books on 'How to Make a Cup of Tea'.

There was not a computer to be seen. I remember staring at the art easles and paint pots and the words 'Run' and 'Enter' on the blackboard and thinking, 'I don't get computers!' (I was also thinking, 'how do you make a cup of tea?)

The belief was compounded a decade later when I lost several months' of revisions on my 4th Year Honours thesis at uni. I bawled into the third-hand word processor that we'd inherited from my Dad's work and the corrupted floppy disc and wailed, 'I don't get it!'

Fast forward another decade when I started a new job at the Defence Materiel Organisation and my boss asked me to knock up a pivot table in Access on my first day.

A what sort of table? What's Access? I'm a Word person. I can barely find the Excel icon, let alone that of its flashy cousin.

The belief slipped out of my mouth before I'd thought twice, 'I'm not an IT person...' He gave the pivot tables to someone else.

All of this leads me to this week, when I ordered a brand new, full-featured, e-commerce website with all the bells and whistles, sat down to add content into it and had two choices. Either 'I'm not an IT person' (in which case you'll never see the new site) or I can be...

I made a rule for myself:

Aim for 80%

During the development phase, for every page on that site, my goal is 80% of 'right'. 'Perfect' has no part in my '80% now, fix the rest later' approach. It's a website. They're 'fluid'.

The result? I can't put it down!

Start today

What negative beliefs have you held about yourself for a long time - and compounded with new evidence over the years?

How long have you been allowing this to stop you from trying something new, which might prove to be enjoyable or fruitful? What if this stumbling block isn't as big as you perceive it to be...

When you're stepping out of your comfort zone, experiment with 'ditching perfect'. Feal that fear and throw yourself in despite it. You might find a new passion!

The 7 Types of Busy: Which one are you?

2011-07-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

Frantic? Can't possibly take anything out of your schedule? Modern life is flat out, and that's that.

Or is it?

Have a look through the following 'types' of busy (some of which are adapted from Soul Sisters Empowerment Groups), and see if you can identify your own style.

'Badge-of-honour' Busy

Being busy equals being significant. Keeping your schedule jam-packed keeps you as important as everyone else - it's how you create your worth.

People say, 'I don't know how you do it!' (and secretly, you love hearing that). The truth is, though, you don't know how you do it either - or even if you want to...

'Nobody does this as well as I do' Busy

You'd like to cut things out of your schedule, but you'd probably end up doing them anyway, because nobody else does things 'properly'.

You're the only one who can complete all that is expected of you at work and at home. Well, technically others could probably do it, but would they do it well enough?

'Running away' Busy

There is something big that you really should attend to: perhaps it's an unhappy relationship or an unrewarding job.

Instead of tackling what should be first on your list, you fill your diary with unnecessary tasks so that you 'don't have time' to face the important stuff. You could go on like this indefinitely...

'Comfort zone' Busy

There's something you'd love to try - a new hobby, online dating, a promotion at work - but it's a big step and you're scared. What if it doesn't work out?

Staying busy keeps you in your comfort zone and protects you from taking the risk.

'People pleaser' Busy

You have a need to be liked. 'Yes' comes out of your mouth before you even consider an alternative response. What if you say 'no' and they don't like you as much?

Is it easier and safer just to take the request on? YES! You'll do it!

'Scatty' Busy

You're disorganised at home and at work. You spend a huge amount of time looking for things that you've misplaced. You're regularly late for appointments. You leave everything til the last minute.

Your lack of organisation creates chaos and manufactures extra work.

'Scared to ask' Busy

You're not sure you understand the task. Rather than seek clarification, you go to enormous lengths to try to work it out yourself.

You're scared of asking 'silly questions' and choose to complicate your life in an effort to avoid these.

Start today

Think of the last five roles or responsibilities that you said 'yes' to.

What was the motivation in each case? (Tip: if your answer is 'I couldn't avoid it - I just had to take it on', then search a bit deeper.)

Uncovering your motivation to stay so over-burdened is the first step in untangling yourself from a life that is 'busy' ... and creating in its place a life that is 'full'.

What a difference that makes.

If this sounds like something you'd like to explore further, perhaps you'd enjoy our new eBook: The Seven Types of Busy: How to disentangle yourself from doing too much.

Find out the difference between a 'busy' and a 'full' life
Use a self-assessment tool to work out your own level of 'busy' and how close you are to burnout
Uncover how you 'do' busy (what's your strategy and how is it working or not working)
Apply 'First Aid' for the chronically overwhelmed (how to lift the burden in 30 minutes)
The seven types of busy, why people choose these, what this is costing you and how to address it
What do you really stand to gain from changing the way you're running your life?
How to de-clutter your life for greater balance and contentment

The eBook can be downloaded immediately from our online store, for $17US.

Is your need to be liked holding you back?

2011-06-26T15:37:00.001-07:00

Researchers have found that the part of the brain that activates when we experience physical pain also activates when we experience 'social pain' or rejection.

Some researchers believe that the brain has two related 'systems': one is to 'seek' new relationships, the other is to 'protect' from rejection.

Interestingly, while everyone has these two systems, one is often more dominant. 'Seekers' are motivated to make new connections - even if this puts them at risk of rejection.

'Protectors' will want to form new relationships, but will do this with caution. They are motivated to avoid pain, and some might avoid relationships or sabotage existing ones to prevent being hurt. (For more information see Dr Roger Covin's book, The need to be liked.)

Start today

If you're a 'protector', be aware that you may be complicating your life because of your need to avoid rejection:

Perhaps you take on too much and burn out more quickly, because you struggle to say 'no'.
Perhaps you avoid difficult conversations in personal and professional relationships, complicating problems and creating stress.
Perhaps you let people down, because you spread yourself too thinly in an attempt to please everyone.
Perhaps you feel resentful of others who have more time or freedom than you do, because they have firmer boundaries.
Perhaps you hold yourself back in your career because being a manager sometimes requires you to do or say things that aren't designed to win you friends.
Perhaps you hold yourself back in your personal life, by not letting others get close enough to risk hurt.

The great irony is that people tend not to like people who have a strong need to be liked! The constant need for affirmation from others, the 'giving in' and the lack of decision-making in order to please everyone can become quite wearing.

What's the solution?

Learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Like yourself, and your need for others to fill that void will lessen.

Be true to yourself, even when it's uncomfortable... and watch as saying 'no' becomes easier and you prioritise the things that matter, improve situations through tough conversations, please the right people when it matters most, liberate your time, expand your career and experience deeper, more lasting relationships.

What's not to like about that?

Lessons from the Vancouver Riot Kiss

2011-06-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

It was the kiss that captured the world's imagination.

Romantics, the media and advertising companies (who are now desperate to use the image) were bowled over when a young Canadian woman was knocked down and injured by riot police only to have her Australian boyfriend - barman and stand-up comic, Scott Jones - deliver one of the world's most unlikely, passionate and brilliantly-photographed kisses. (See it here.)

Scott explained that Alex, was 'somewhat distraught' having been caught up, literally, in the ice-hocky riots. He kissed her 'to calm her down'.

We all have times when - faced with stressful circumstances - we find ourselves in an unresourceful state: panicking, going blank, becoming emotional, creating 'drama'.

The conscious mind has a habit of going around in circles and sometimes needs to be snapped out of an unproductive state and into a mood and perspective where progress can be made. There are times when we need to tell our brains: 'STOP! This is going nowhere!' Scott's unexpected kiss had that effect.

A dropped coin on the ground, the sound of a plate smashing, screeching tyres, a fighter jet flying overhead... all of these can distract us from the track we're playing in our minds. Once we are snapped out of it, it becomes more difficult to return to the previous state - the pattern has been interrupted and something must change.

Start today

If a situation or meeting is becoming intense - if you, or someone else, is stuck in an unresourceful pattern - find a way to 'break state'.

If you can't scramble a fighter jet and don't fancy an impromptu kiss, try humour. Even asking something as innocuous as 'do you smell popcorn?' can 'break state' enough to interrupt the patterns in the mind so that they jump to a new, more positive track.

Find your inner gumboot fairy

2011-06-12T21:12:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with someone recently and she said, whimsically, 'I just wish I could release my inner hippie at work'... (She works in a male-dominated, uniformed institution where hippies are not usually seen unless they're out the front, protesting.)

When I asked if the person she lets others see is the Real Her, or someone else, she reluncantly admitted that it was the latter.

Lots of us do this. If we keep other people at arm's length, they're more likely to find us acceptable. Less likely to notice our flaws. We're more likely to fit in - and one of the top three fears most people have is of 'not belonging'.

Another friend sent me the photo, above, of her two-year-old daughter in a fairy dress and gumboots and the caption 'one day she will conform'. Sadly - odds are that she will.

Start today

Who is your inner 'gumboot fairy' and when was she last seen?

Think of your 'authentic self' - the person you were originally, before layers and layers of 'conditioning' by the world shaped you into the person you now let other people see.

The Real You believes in herself and is 100% valuable and confident. She wants to be authentic in every situation. She thinks she looks fantastic in gum boots!

She doesn't doubt and second-guess, doesn't conform or shape herself to fit someone else's idea of 'normal'. This authentic version of yourself won't put up with a situation or pretend things are better than they are, because that isn't being true (and that's exhausting).

Imagine the effortlessness of living when there's no more 'act'. Think of the freedom of being YOU in every situation... hippie, gumboots and all, and having confidence in that person...

Want the antidote to fear?

2011-06-05T15:09:00.000-07:00

A good friend and colleague of mine, Audrey Thomas of Ajile Focus, reminded me last week that the brain cannot process both fear and appreciation simultaneously. Fear exists to keep us on guard to escape dangerous situations - without it we'd waltz into calamities unwarned.

The idea behind 'gratitude journals' (where you write down five or ten things that you are grateful for each day) is that, if you are firing up the 'appreciation' sector in the brain, the fear sector can't work. Not only that, but - just as fear breeds more fear - looking for positives breeds more positive thoughts.

I thought I'd try this out on Facebook on Friday night (exciting life that I lead!) by asking the women in my online mums' group to post five things that they're grateful for. We're so used to posts on lack of sleep and teething troubles that it was a beautiful change to spend some time focusing on the simple things that bring us happiness.

One lady in particular has had a rough time over the last few months, and that day in particular. Her partner has been in and out of hospital ever since their baby was born, having developed a persistent infection following surgery after a work accident. She was finding little, other than her baby daughter, to appreciate.

Minutes later, though, her life seemed to change.

While we were all chatting on Facebook, she opened her laptop computer, which she'd taken in to hospital earlier in the day so her partner could use it to pay some bills. To her surprise, up popped an electronic 'sticky note', containing a beautifully-worded marriage proposal!

It is said that what you focus on, you get. My friend's life hadn't really changed at all - the proposal, and the future it promised together, had been there all afternoon. The only change was that she'd switched on the computer and noticed it.

As soon as she started focusing on her happiness, she started finding more and more positive things to be thankful for and was able to post them in her list.

Start today

Often, we let the 'bad stuff' take centre stage. The good things in our lives are there all along - and they're not always in our line of sight because we're not looking in the right direction.

Make a choice today to focus on the people and things, the experiences, qualities and opportunities that you are grateful for, and write these down. Watch this list grow, the more you focus on it.

If we can choose which part of the brain we engage - the part that processes fear or the part that processes appreciation, is it really any contest?

How to ask for balance

2011-05-29T16:04:00.001-07:00

Pacific Brands CEO, Sue Morphet, said last week that women will break the glass ceiling when Australian corporate culture dictates that everyone goes home for dinner.

A lot of my clients say they feel trapped in the long hours of their work culture. I've heard the same lament from doctors, lawyers, musicians, historians and a romance novelist. (What is so urgent about history, I wonder...)

People sometimes feel powerless to change things, and we often find that's not the case.

If you're interested in changing a pattern that has you regularly missing dinner at home, arrange a meeting with your manager to discuss how to change this (The model below is reproduced from the Results Through People training course).

Take to the meeting:

• your (reasonable) idea of how long an average working day/week would be for you.
• a record of your working hours over three pay periods
• a list of the work tasks currently on your plate

Seek agreement on:
• the reasonable length of an average working day/week for you
• the priority order of your current tasks

In the meeting, acknowledge these things:
• There will be times when important work priorities will mean that you work longer than the 'average week'
• Those occasions should be the exception, not the rule
• You will meet regularly to review priorities and working hours

If you're a manager, consider having a conversation like this with each of your staff, and watch their commitment levels soar.

The Lesson of Princess Beatrice's Hat

2011-05-22T15:05:00.000-07:00

Described as a giant pretzel, a set of antlers or a freakish Teletubbies accessory - Princess Beatrice's choice of wedding millinery was either daringly fashion-forward or disastrous.

Either way, the hat became a laughing stock and inspired its own Facebook Group ('Princess Beatrice's ridiculous royal wedding hat' which, at the time of writing had attracted 143,016 followers).

How does a Princess respond to worldwide hat condemnation?

Toss the hat on the Royal scrap heap? Get into the spirit and put the hat up for auction on eBay to raise money for UNICEF UK and Children in Crisis?

Beatrice chose the latter option and included the cheery message: 'I've been amazed at the attention the hat has attracted... I hope whoever wins the auction has as much fun with the hat as I have.'

The hat went for $123,390 this morning.

Start today

When things go wrong, or don't work out as well as we'd hoped, it's easy to give up. Sometimes, though, something can be salvaged, changed or turned into Plan B.

Next time you find yourself in a situation resembling 'Beatrice's Hat', before you ditch the idea entirely, see if there's some way that you can take the idea in an entirely new direction.

You never know where your recycled idea might lead.

Change your perspective in 27 seconds

2011-05-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

The Guardian newspaper once ran a very effective television advertisement about differing points of view. Have a look at it here.

At first glance, we think the 'skin head' guy has robbed someone. Then, the camera pans the other way and we see him chasing a well-dressed man with a brief case. Perhaps the businessman is the baddie?

The camera pans out again and we notice that scaffolding above the pair is about to collapse. It turns out that the skin head is pushing the businessman out of harm's way.

Who knew we could be wrong so many times in only 27 seconds?

Start today

We all know that taking a different perspective can be a healthy way to view a problem. Have you ever had something go wrong, only to re-hash it in your mind, while the distressing emotions stayed with you?

One technique to create some distance between yourself and the memory of a difficult situation is to view it in a 'disassociated' way. In other words, if you must mull over that bad conversation that you had with your boss - do it from the perspective of a third person.

When we're truly 'associated' in a memory, we're re-living it as if looking at it through our own eyes. We're hearing it as we heard things on the day. We're feeling our emotions. It seems very 'real'.

Taking a step back - 'disassociating' yourself - can give you a different, less emotional perspective.

When to 'disassociate':

•Thinking about unpleasant or difficult memories

•Preparing to go into a challenging conversation

•Walking into a job interview or presentation when you want to calm your nerves

When to 'associate':

•Thinking about pleasant memories

•Trying to imagine and understand another person's perspective ('get into their shoes')

•Recalling times when you felt confident, at ease, relaxed, strong, loved etc. (And when you're doing this, really ramp up those memories - add in colour and vibrance, movement, smell, taste, sound and emotion. Then turn it all up!)

Don't like it? Change it!

2011-04-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

I had an inspiring conversation with a friend this week. In the last year, she has beaten cancer.

Facing her mortality changed her perspective for the better. The disease taught her lessons that she's glad to have learnt now, before she hits her 40s, rather than in mid-life or beyond.

She can't agonise over trivial things any more. At work, while other people are stuck in 'drama', she's calmly looking for a way around the problem. It's only work.

If someone is unhappy in a job or relationship, she tells them to get out. Change it. Do something. You're not stuck.

She's also changed the way she parents her children. She's more relaxed. She's deeply thankful for what she has.

She appreciates everything - large and small - much more than she used to.

Start today

Sometimes the people with the best attitude and the best balance in their lives are those who've had a big wake-up call. They give us proof that we can choose to change our circumstances and our attitudes, to improve the quality of our lives.

The key message I think my friend would want to convey to us is this: WAKE UP. Time is the most precious thing we have.

Calm under fire when dealing with difficult people

2011-04-03T03:48:00.000-07:00

An exchange between a would-be author and a book reviewer on the reviewer's blog went viral recently, as an example of how NOT to handle yourself in the face of criticism. After reading the review, the author flew off the handle. Embarrassingly. Completely. She was profane, insulting and wildly in the wrong and it makes sad and cringe-worthy reading.
While this provides an example of how not to behave professionally (the author has probably destroyed her writing career by her actions), the reviewer's response is inspiring. Throughout what became an increasingly fiery and personally-insulting exchange, he was unwaveringly professional and calm. He takes 'not sinking to another's level' to new heights.

The author eventually burnt herself out in the face of his failure to engage heatedly and we can learn a lot from his approach about the value of maintaining a professional state of calm.

Start today

When you're dealing with a highly-emotional or difficult person, remember this reviewer's approach. Set your own standard for the exchange and maintain it.

What pressure?

2011-03-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

I should send my 12-year old to one of my time-management workshops. She's a good student, but sometimes she's off with the fairies (or, more accurately, off with her friends on MSN).

On Thursday, she announced that her Food Technology assignment was due the next day. She had to create, concoct and write about a gourmet salad that must use twelve fresh ingredients and at least eight pieces of kitchen equipment.

Wonderful!

While I could write about her woeful organisational skills regarding this assignment, I wanted to highlight instead her ability to work under pressure. Basically, it's down to this: she sings. She dances. She has one eye on Neighbours and the other on her phone in case she should miss an incoming text message. In short, she acts as if there is no pressure.

Start today

There are urgent tasks that must be done, whether we flap around or not. If you don't feel calm, try acting as if you are.

What would you be doing differently if there was no pressure right now?

How would your breathing be different? What would you be telling yourself? Which thoughts wouldn't be clogging your mind and causing fear and panic?

Replicate as many of the habits and behaviours that you know work well when you are calm, and you'll have constructed a gourmet salad in no time.

Here are the qualities you were born with

2011-03-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

Sebastian is 4.5 months old now and he learnt to roll over this week. The previous sentence doesn't do justice to the effort he invested in the task.

He's been trying to master this for weeks. He'd get his feet in the air and roll them to the side, then in an attempt to hoy his head off the ground, his feet would swing back. Without taking a break, he'd try again.

He'd fail. He'd try again.

Fail. Try. Fail. Try. Fail. Try. Fail.

He'd have a break and a sleep, wake up, have a feed then get straight back onto the job. Try. Fail. Try. Fail.

For days and days and days he kept at it.

Then, this weekend. HE DID IT!

(Of course, when he got there, he wondered what the fuss was about and wanted someone to roll him back, but that's beside the point).

Start today

We're born with the innate ability to persist. It's essential to our personal development.

When do so many of us lose it?

Perhaps someone says something to us when we're young that makes us feel de-valued. Maybe something happens in primary school and we make it mean, 'I'll never be good enough' or 'it's not worth the effort', or 'it's too hard', or 'I'm not that kind of person', or 'there's no point trying'.

In those moments, we clip our own wings.

We cut off opportunities for progress because actually achieving it seems out of reach.

Imagine if Sebastian had stopped trying to roll over the first time it didn't work. He'd have sentenced himself to a lifetime of lying stagnant on the floor.

What if JK Rowling had given up submitting the manuscript of Harry Potter after any of the twelve times it was rejected by different publishers?

What are you missing out on - that lies on the other side of your own persistence?

Next time something seems difficult, out of reach, or even impossible, think about how you got here. You learnt to roll over, to sit up, to crawl, then you tried and tried and tried over and over again to take your first steps, stay on your feet and RUN.

Was it easy? Of course not. It was incredibly challenging. It required massive persistence, dedication, effort and patience.

Those are qualities you were born with.

Lose the drama

2011-03-13T14:40:00.000-07:00

What impressed me most about the Japanese over the last few days was the lack of 'drama'.

They might be thoroughly schooled in how to respond during an earthquake, and experience tremors often, but when the seventh biggest quake in history rattles your country and a tsunami slams into the coast and swallows everything in its path, you expect a bit of widespread panic.

We're used to seeing that on our screens during disasters or terrorist events of this magnitude - people screaming, crying and throwing themselves on the ground in despair. While some individuals may have responded in that way in Japan, the footage I've seen showed none of it.

Did you see the footage taken in a supermarket when the quake hit? The shelves may be flinging their produce sideways but people quickly 'got a grip'. The building had barely stopped shaking and you could hear the familiar 'bleep, bleep, bleep' of the bar code scanner. Business as usual.

Another video shows the skyscrapers of Tokyo swaying wildly following the earthquake. All that could be heard was the squeak of metal and some calm discussion. No yelling. No panic.

We can learn a lot from this approach.

Start today

It is unlikely that most of us will have to endure an earthquake or a tsunami in our lifetimes (thankfully). Many of us, however, have been guilty of more drama over mere blips and ripples in our daily lives than we witnessed over the weekend from the stoic, graceful people of Japan.

What purpose does our drama serve? Does it help us handle our challenges? Get us somewhere earlier? Make it easier to juggle multiple tasks? Assist us during a challenging conversation?

Or does it waste our time, expend our energy and draw our focus away from dealing with something that won't go away no matter how hysterical we become.

How much more useful might we be to ourselves (and others) if we handle the blips and ripples in our lives with applomb?

Leap over it and get on with it!

2011-03-06T14:22:00.000-08:00

I was on Skype with a dear friend last week who, for a number of reasons, has been struggling to complete her business website.

Perfectionism is possibly her biggest obstacle, though what was literally holding her back was that she needed technical advice from the guy who created the site for her, and was too embarrassed to contact him and admit that the site still wasn't live.

It's a familiar problem. We let one small action stand in the way of making massive progress.

At the risk of turning her off ever wanting to Skype with me again, I insisted she phone him then and there while we were still on our call.

The conversation lasted about three minutes, was painless, and during the next twenty minutes while we were still chatting, she'd 'hidden' all the partly-written pages that were making the job feel overwhelming, and finished her home page.

Having watched how easy it was to make enormous progress in such a short burst, as soon as we got off the call, I logged onto my own website and did some long-overdue content maintenance. I'd envisaged the task taking about a week. It took two hours.

Start today

We all allow 'silly things' to hold us back at times, not realising just how easy it would be to leap over that hurdle and snowball into progress.

We'll sit on a work task because we're anxious about asking for clarification on something we 'should know'. We'll hesitate to make a dental appointment because we're envisaging the 'worst case scenario'. We'll avoid a difficult conversation because the pain of going through it seems worse than the longer-term pain we're putting ourselves through by avoiding it.

What 'little thing' are you currently letting stop you from achieving a 'big thing'?

Don't give it another moment's thought. Do it RIGHT NOW.

Some of our favourite tips

2011-02-27T13:39:00.000-08:00

Mia Freedman has a section on her website, 'Mamamia' (to which we contribute articles), which she calls 'group therapy'. Last week, a reader wrote in with the following problem:

"I haven’t been enjoying my job as much as I used to and last Sunday whilst brushing my daughter’s hair and thinking about making her lunch and all of the things I had awaiting for me this week, I had an anxiety attack which progressively got worse over the next few days. After speaking with a dear friend, she finally admitted to me that I hadn’t been myself since going back to work full time.

After many discussions with my husband (who is extremely supportive of me in every way), we came to the decision for me to quit my job and be a stay at home mum. Whilst doing this, I can also help him with his accounts (as he has his own business) and he can concentrate on doing the part of the business that he does best.

I however am feeling extremely guilty about not being able to handle working full-time and being a mum. I feel I should be able to handle it as so many other women do but then I also have extreme envy that I miss out on seeing my daughter run to the front door to greet me at the end of the day like she does with my husband when he gets home from work. As my friend said to me, “you only have the one child and you only get one chance at your and her life”. Financially we would be OK, obviously tightening the belt on things, so why is it so difficult to accept that it’s an easy decision to make?”

Here was our advice in response:

What you’re feeling – the angst, stress, confusion and guilt – is extremely common amongst mums, as I’m sure you’ll see in many of these responses.

I wrote a book on working motherhood a few years ago and now work with women to balance their lives in this area. I see women every day who struggle with this decision (and overcome it by making strong choices that are right for them and their families in their own particular contexts, as you have).

Feminism liberated us to ‘have it all’ and it’s great that we have choices. There is no one right way to live this out. Some women thrive on full-time work, others thrive on working part-time, others thrive as stay-at-home mums. What we choose to do now may not be the same as what we’ll choose to do in twelve months, or in five years (we’re not ‘locking ourselves in’, although we sometimes view our choices in that way, which isn’t helpful). The reality is that many women are so tired they can’t remember why we wanted it all in the first place!

One thing that is common to women I work with no matter what their circumstances (senior executives, stay-home mums, part-timers, full-timers, business owners etc) is a private fear that they are ‘not good enough’. This is compounded if they observe other women who appear to have it all together (these women rarely do – certainly not to the extent that it seems on face value).

It’s like that sense that we all have from time to time that we’re ‘floundering’ (in our jobs, mothering, combining the two) and that any minute now we’ll be ‘found out’ and exposed. We tend to think that this fear is unique to us – that everyone else is coping so much better than we are. This isn’t true! According to some research that I can’t put my finger on at the moment, the fear of ‘not being good enough’ is one of the top three fears that most people experience.

One of the questions I often ask people is ‘are you living fast, or deep?’ Most of us would love to answer that we’re living ‘deep’, but instead we feel a sense of dashing ‘fast’ between an onslaught of roles, commitments, responsibilities and relationships – on only a surface level. It’s exhausting and unsatisfying to live in a whirlwind of urgency, because you’ve taken on too much (not only at work, but outside it).

If you continue pushing through at a pace that is too ‘much’ for too long, something breaks. Tina, your decision – difficult though it has been to make – is guarding against that. As previous posters have said, the hardest part is making the decision – it gets easier after that.

As far as the feelings of guilt go, think of it this way – when you choose to say ‘no’ to something, you are giving more meaning to your ‘yes’.

You are saying ‘yes’ to your health and wellbeing, which will benefit your marriage and family for a long time to come. The adage, ‘happy mum = happy baby’ applies equally for those with older children (and, it could be said, with relationships between adults).

Life is a book. We are all writing our own stories (and how boring it would be if they were all the same). There’s no need for us to cram the entire plot into one chapter.

There will be plenty of time for other pursuits. Right now, you’ve made a great personal decision and it’s time to let go of how things were and to learn to love the new arrangement!

Who makes your flexibility possible?

2011-02-20T13:45:00.000-08:00

As a working mum, I've always been very grateful for flexible employers and family-friendly work environments. There's nothing more reassuring than working for a boss who appreciates your need to dash off to a school assembly, a dental appointment, or to rush to day care when the secretary phones reporting that your child has a hideous case of 'hand, foot and mouth' disease (as happened to my sister last week).

Who picks up the pieces at work if you have to care for sick kids?

Good teams will manage this well in a 'give and take' arrangement.

Sometimes, you'll be able to work from home.

Often it's those in the office who don't have children who tend to pick up the slack - particularly over school holidays. I received an email from someone about this recently. She is supportive of her staff who have
children, but there are times when she feels undervalued. She and her husband have demanding roles, work long hours, are active in the volunteer fire brigade, have a property and pets to look after and are actively involved with their nieces and nephews.

Is the workplace culture as supportive of her need for work-life balance as it is for parents?

Start today

If you enjoy support and flexibility at work, be aware of who is making it possible for you. Ensure that you're not taking this support for granted.

Think about the 'give and take' in your workplace. Is everyone's need for balance being catered for, or just the needs of a particular group?

When things are running smoothly in your life, ask what you can do for those around you who are supportive of your need for flexibility at other times. Creating a happy, flexible and fair workplace is everyone's responsibility.

Be the best partner

2011-02-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day. Like it or not, and whether you're in a relationship or you're single, it's a good time to reflect on the kind of partner you are.

Not the kind of partner you want - the kind you are.

It's easy to see your partner's faults - to wish they were a little more of 'this' or a little less of 'that'.

Do you have in mind what the perfect relationship would look like?

Who do you need to be, and what do you need to do differently, to have that?

Start today

Take responsibility for the relationship you have, or the one that you want, and think of at least three things that you can do differently to make it happen.

Urgency is the key

2011-02-07T00:32:00.000-08:00

'To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time' (Leonard Bernstein)

Oh, how true this is!

I've been flat out this week finalising content for two workshops, preparing for an expert panel tonight on taking an idea and running with it and sending my 'baby' off to her first day in high school (today!)

My husband left for New Zealand yesterday, and I'm joining him for a 'mini-break' with baby Sebastian on Thursday, so my mind is full of all the tasks I have to do before I leave (it's also full of questions on how to get bottles of formula through security - subject of my nightmare last night!)

I'm keeping momentum going with my parenting articles (the latest is on whether helpful dads are more trouble than their worth) and don't get me started on the saga that was ballet enrolment for daughter No.2. I can't decide if I'm feeling pumped or under the pump!

Start today

What might I have accomplished had I not had a plane to catch? Lots more time on Facebook, probably. Mooching around the shops? Clicking 'send and receive' and wondering if email is down? (Strange habit! Do you share it? It will make me feel more normal!) A bit of a lurk through Yahoo answers? (What am I? Fifteen?)

Looming deadlines show us what we're made of. They give us a taste of how we function at full productivity. They prioritise for us.

The key is to learn from the experience.

What's on your 'Stop Doing' list?

2011-01-30T17:45:00.000-08:00

If I asked you what was on your 'To Do' list, you'd probably have no trouble rattling off a long list of tasks.

Consider this question instead: 'What's on your 'Stop Doing' list?'

It's a little harder, isn't it. Many of us could think of a few 'vices' we'd like to quit, or switch to doing in moderation, but what about a list of our top time-wasters?

Think about your habits at work. Make a list of all the ways that you fluff around (with the best intentions, of course), wasting time, energy and resources.

How many times a day do you check for new mail? How long do you spend 'perfecting' that paragraph? How much time do you waste looking for paperwork or emails that you haven't filed?

What are your particular 'knacks' for expanding the time you spend in the office?

Start today

If you could claw back 30-60 minutes each day by crossing items off your 'Stop Doing' list, how would you use the extra time?

Exercise? Coffee with a friend? Picking the children up early?

How to hang up

2011-01-23T14:10:00.000-08:00

How much time do you spend on long phone calls with people who drain you? Do certain people in the office soak up a lot of your time, with little impact or result?

It might be a clingy acquaintance, a family member, an annoying colleague or a mum from school. It's often someone who has a lot more time on his or her hands than you do.

How do you extricate yourself from this scenario? Someone I know makes wild gestures to her husband that are a signal for him to ring the doorbell if a phone conversation is getting out of hand - a fabricated circuit breaker.

Many of us have little time to achieve everything on our lists, let alone save time for ourselves. We need to be skilled at protecting our boundaries.

Start today

Become better at ending conversations tactfully. If a phone call or face-to-face chat starts meandering when you have better things to do, simply say, 'What can I do for you?'

It's polite, helpful, cuts to the chase and sits more comfortably than making up an excuse.

What matters most?

2011-01-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

Our thought and hearts were in Queensland this week - watching the loss of life, homes and businesses was heartbreaking.

I'm from Canberra, and as a city we know only too well after our devastating firestorm of 2003 how quickly you can lose everything in a natural disaster. We also know well the generosity of human spirit in this country.

I've never experienced a flood but, when our fires hit, I recall my daughter piling the barbie dolls up in the lounge room, in case we had to evacuate. I also recall thinking that our precious items were spread throughout the house, and that I'd have little hope of mustering them all in a hurry.

When the reality of evacuation is before us, our perspective on what really matters sharpens dramatically.

Start today

The disaster in Queensland provides an opportunity for us to give our money, time and muscle if we're close and clothes and other items for those in need.

If you happen to be going through your cupboards (though charities plead for cash donations at this stage), be thankful for what you have and take the opportunity to make an inventory of which personal possessions matter most to you - while you have the luxury of time to think.

Take an idea and run with it

2011-01-08T23:47:00.000-08:00

There's a great scene in the movie 'The Social Network', when Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg gets the idea to include a 'relationship status' feature on the site, so people who are scared to ask will know whether someone is available or not.

It's the 'missing piece' in his concept for an online social network - the last thing he adds before the site goes live for the first time.

When the idea occurs to him in a Harvard bar during a casual conversation, he doesn't file it away for later, or add it to his mental 'to do' list. He stops talking mid-conversation, drops his beer and runs at top speed through the dark campus, tearing through the halls and bursting into his dorm, where he adds the feature immediately and hits the 'go live' button.

Start today

Do you ever have a good idea that gets 'overtaken by events'? Do you let your ideas pass by without acting on them, only to see someone else achieve a similar thing?

Zuckerberg didn't create a $50 billion website by keeping a 'mental to-do list'.

Drop everything, run with your idea and 'go live'.

Top 10 tips for life balance in 2011

2011-01-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

1. Have a reason to leave

Just as it’s easy to expand into a higher income, work can morph into the available hours. If you consistently amaze yourself at how late it is when you leave the office, it may be that you made no solid plans for after hours.

Having somewhere else to be sharpens your efficiency and helps you pull the plug on work. It’s harder to ‘just do one more thing’ when you’re coaching your daughter’s soccer team at 6pm, or you’re enrolled in a Zumba class or meeting a friend for dinner.

2. Stop colouring-in the title page

Swamped by more work than it’s humanly possible to plough through? Acknowledge that you can’t do it all and need to make choices.

Ask yourself ‘Am I colouring-in the title page here, or doing the actual assignment?’ Ditch the 80% of time-wasting distractions that bring you 20% of results and focus instead on the 20% of tasks that deliver 80% of your results. If the purpose of a task isn’t clear, there’s a good chance you’re wasting your time doing it.

3. Ignore the shiny things

Trying to focus against a barrage of phone calls, texts and emails in open plan offices swells the time it takes to complete jobs. Control what you can. Learn the power of ‘single-tasking’: turn your phone off and close email down for an hour if you really want to make progress and get to your after-hours activity on time.

4. Say ‘no’ and ‘not now’

Do you accept every task you’re given, even if it pushes your workload over the edge? Managers aren’t mind-readers. They may not know what’s on our plates unless we tell them. Ask about the purpose of the new task and decide if it’s more important than other jobs you’re doing. Don’t be afraid to negotiate a new deadline or delegate tasks to others if appropriate.

5. Ask for help

If you’re playing the martyr, the control freak or the ‘best person for the job’, you’re probably doing too much. Contrary to what we sometimes like to believe about ourselves, the entire office won’t fall apart if we step away. A study found that there are more than 250 ways to wash dishes, all of which achieve the same result. If you’ve already done enough, let someone else do it their way while you take a break.

6. De-clutter your diary

How much ‘white space’ is in your diary? Block out regular chunks of time for no fixed purpose and experience the gift of breathing space. Correctly estimate the time it will take to get from A to B and build in a buffer to move between commitments in a stress-free way.

7. Switch channels

If you’ve spent all day focussing mentally, de-stress by ‘switching channels’ to a physical activity or escape with some light reading or a movie. If you don’t change the channel, it’s harder to switch off and get to sleep, which leads to higher stress and burnout.

8. Let things go (don’t sweat the small stuff)

Think about the last twelve months. How much energy did you invest worrying about things that didn’t matter? Whether it’s office politics or cleaning obsessively before your mother-in-law visits, we waste a lot of time dwelling on matters that could otherwise ‘go through to the keeper’. Invest that energy positively, towards the things you want to achieve.

9. Get out of your own way

It’s human nature to want to blame other people for the imbalance in our lives, but how do you hold yourself back? Do you think you’re not good enough? Are you over-compensating for this? Are you on a quest for perfection? Do you avoid delegation in different parts of your life due to Nobody-does-this-as-well-as-I-do Syndrome? Become your best ally, instead of your own worst enemy.

10. Lock in a holiday

Open up your 2011 diary. What are you doing in September?

Ask for the time off when you get back to work. Open a new bank account and set up a fortnightly transfer. Visit the travel agent and make a booking.

Most people fail to take holidays because they ‘don’t have time’ and ‘can’t afford it’. Those who do go away have usually planned for the trip well in advance. If you don’t start thinking about a holiday until later in the year, there won’t be a spare weekend left when you get there, work commitments will be immovable and there’ll be no savings in the account.

If you want things to be different in 2011, become the architect of your own lifestyle and they will be.

One door closes...

2010-12-15T02:11:00.000-08:00

I don’t do ends of eras well.

My baby finishes primary school today. Not the new baby who is gurgling in the pram beside me as I write this, but his twelve-year-old sister – who was his age yesterday and is now a gangly pre-teen who fills me with joy and frustration in almost equal measure.

I’ve had about six cups of tea today and they haven’t taken the edge off the train smash that I am at the thought of flying past this milestone. I fuel my instability with a tortuous glance at her kindergarten photo – the one we took on her first day, of me crouching down at her level, holding her hands, staring lovingly into her anxious little face and willing her to be confident.

Whatever I did that day, it worked. Not immediately, mind – she was barnacled to my ankle at every morning drop-off for the first five weeks and, at the time, I thought it would never end.

Now it’s me – barnacled to her ankle, as I watch her race past me and clatter the front door behind her, despite my telling her every morning not to slam it. Racing past me full stop.

She’s clutching an old school polo shirt and a heap of textas for everyone to graffiti their names on it today. The music she’s listening to is awful. She looks at me like I came down last week in the Queanbeyan flood. The bathroom reeks of way too much hair-removal cream, after I let her use it for the first time for tonight’s farewell disco, despite her being far too young (ie. exactly the same age that I was when I first shaved my legs, but that was different! I felt much older than she looks!)

I thought it would never end, and now it has.

‘I can’t believe it’s her last day of primary school,’ I sob, when my husband asks me what’s wrong.

‘Oh well,’ he replies. ‘She’ll start high school next year.’

I look at him incredulously – carrying our seven-week-old baby, who he’s just changed, fed and burped, as well as cup of tea that he’s made for me – and wonder how he could have gone so far wrong with that comment.

It occurs to me that this was perhaps not, in hindsight, the best week to choose to wean the baby. That particular horse has, however, well and truly bolted, and there must be a way of riding this roller-coaster without re-lactating.

I have a flashback to my own final day of primary school. The big party we had at Anna Green’s house. The kissing competition...

Right! That’s it! I need a distraction, and I need one fast. It’s times like this that you need the soothing fluffiness of ABBA, and what could be more harmless than watching Mamma Mia on DVD?

An hour later, I’m submerged in a swamp of used tissues and empty chocolate wrappers, with Meryl Streep’s Slipping Through my Fingers on continuous loop.

I realise I have precisely an hour and fifteen minutes to pull myself together before my daughter gets home, takes one look at me and accuses me of being a weirdo/freak/loser etc before instructing me not to be embarrassing at the presentation evening (at which, I kid you not, they are showing a slide-show of their school journey, set to music).

I rifle through the letter box, hoping to find a Round Robin Christmas letter but finding instead a letter from the high school she’s going to. Dare I open it?

It’s addressed to the 2011 Year Seven parents and outlines what will happen in the first week of school. As I read through it, I find it strangely comforting. The list of stationery requirements includes coloured pencils. Sounds positively kindergartenish. It says they’ll take all students to the buses on the first day, whether they’re catching the bus that day or not, just so they become familiar with their bus. How reassuringly hand-holding-ish.

By the time she gets home I realise she’s still a little fish - about to be thrown into a big pond, and the journey is far from over. We’re only half way there...

Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning, waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile... I’m glad whenever I can share her laughter, that funny little girl.

Holiday survival plan!

2010-12-12T16:58:00.000-08:00

With six weeks of holidays looming, I suggested to my daughters (who are 12 and 10) that we not spend the entire period hunched over the TV and glued to various varieties of social networking.

We're developing a plan together, involving a mix of activities and a set budget. The plan includes:

• A small range of daily chores

• A daily walk

• Two planned 'outings' each week (one must be free)

• One friend over (or vice versa) each week

• Re-joining the local library and visiting each week

• Visiting the craft superstore and each starting a long-term project

• Working our way through the Junior MasterChef cookbook

We might not stick to it without fail, and there will be daily screen time, too, but we're looking forward to giving it a go.

It has been a pleasure getting to know many of you this year. We're taking a break until 4 January and will return with fresh ideas on how to 'have it all' in 2011.

In the meantime, if you're in the mood to overhaul the way you do things next year, feel free to check out our downloadable self-paced 'Life Balance Program'. Between now and 4 January, we've reduced the price of the eBook from $39.95 to just $16.95 as a New Year Special.

Wishing you all the best for a beautiful Christmas and a happy and balanced year ahead.

Do I walk my talk?

2010-12-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

I was asked this week whether I feel under pressure to live up to my own advice, and thought it was a really useful question to answer.

I do feel responsible for 'walking the talk', but this is certainly not the same as saying that I get it right all the time.

I've got the perfect excuse to create balance in my life, because it's my business 'brand'. A friend of mine runs a fitness business, and I remember her saying that she has to be seen by others to be staying fit and eating well. In my case, thankfully I don't have this pressure, and can eat all the chocolate I want! :-)

What I need to be seen to be doing is making 'me time' and 'family and friend' time outside work, to balance my commitments and to reduce stress in my life so that I can make the most of each aspect of it. It's an enjoyable 'brand' to strive for.

Are things blissful all the time? Of course not!

Working from home with kids of all ages (my husband's children are 20 and 17, my two are 12 and 10 and our baby is nearly 6 weeks old), I've got the perfect family to make running a business a huge challenge! There are moments when it all comes crashing down and I feel like out-classing a toddler in the tanty department, times when I cry and times when I feel like a failure. When this happens, I sometimes ask myself whether I'm in the right game...

What leads me to think that I am, is that these 'falling in a heap' moments happen much less frequently than they used to. A few years ago, I regularly over-committed myself and was often at wits' end (a situation that led to my book, Wits' End Before Breakfast! Confessions of a Working Mum')

I used to be the cause of most of my problems in this area and I'm now the cause of most of my success. I know my own limits, and rarely exceed them. I know the lifestyle I want (in terms of how the time is divided), and I carve it out thoughtfully. I know when to say 'no', how to say it and who to say it to, whether this means knocking back a work demand, a cool opportunity or a child.

If I've learned a lot about 'having it all' (and I'm still learning) , it hasn't been from self-help books or 'gurus' but through making a lot of mistakes. I had too much on my plate, dropped it, lost it and gradually found it again.

I'm very careful, these days, with the things that matter most to me, and I see my role as providing others with the short cuts I wish I'd known earlier.

So, in answer to the question - yes, there is some pressure to live up to my own advice, but the rewards are great when I do!

Resilience under pressure

2010-11-28T14:20:00.000-08:00

Watching as last week's Pike's River mining tragedy unfolded, I felt deeply saddened for so many of the people involved. The lost miners themselves and their families in particular, and also for those in charge of the rescue effort.

The urging to send in a rescue team was extreme, and came from many angles, including the eyes of the world through the media. Those responsible believed it wasn't safe, and stood by their decision not to send rescuers in despite significant pressure to do so and criticism when they wouldn't. When the second blast occurred, their decision was vindicated.

Start today

Most of us, from time to time, are subjected to pressure from others about how best to do our jobs. Sometimes, the other person is right and we can learn something from their wisdom.

Other times, we are right, and we know it. Standing firm in the face of criticism or opposition isn't easy, but sometimes it's essential.

When you know your job well, it becomes easier to tell when advice from others is warranted - and when it is unnecessary, unhelpful or, in the Pike's River example, dangerous. Invest as much time and effort as you can into becoming your own 'subject matter expert' you'll instinctively know the difference.

Living the E-life

2010-11-21T16:11:00.001-08:00

I was on my couch with the laptop the other evening when I received an email that read, 'Tuck me in now.' It was sent by my ten-year-old, from bed.

My other daughter, who's twelve, sometimes Skypes me from the other end of the house to ask what's for dinner and whether I can buy her a mobile phone for Christmas. If I do, we'll open another avenue for electronic communication - which is, of course, both a blessing and a curse.

While it's a bit of fun for the kids, many of us have fallen into a habit of reverting to electronic communication by default. We have lost the art of assessing the best way to get our points across.

Sometimes a conversation on the phone or a face-to-face meeting is far preferable to sending an SMS, email, facebook message or tweet - yet we've lapsed into a mentality where we hit 'send' first and ask questions later - like 'why haven't they replied yet?' (two minutes after we sent the message).

Communicating electronically has revolutionised the way we work and socialise, and I love it. That said, it's important not to let it overtake opportunities for old-fashioned, techno-free personal interaction.

Start today

Before hitting that 'send' button, pause and ask yourself if there's a better way to make your point. Are you hiding behind a screen to avoid a phone or face-to-face conversation? Are you missing an opportunity to build rapport with someone, to re-establish an old connection or to brainstorm solutions to a problem in person?

Is your reliance on e-communication eating up time you would otherwise spend laughing in person over shared experiences, being outside in the 'real world' and 'having a life'?

Re-assess and, if necessary, broaden your communication styles for more balanced interactions with others.

Say 'no' boldly

2010-11-21T16:09:00.000-08:00

The first of the Christmas party invitations arrived this week and I said 'no'. When I dropped my daughter at her ballet rehearsal and asked if I could be a back-stage helper for the concert I said 'no'. Sales people and market researchers keep phoning (despite our 'do not call' registration) and I say 'no'.

I've got a good excuse, of course, with a newborn baby in the house, but I haven't been using it. I've just been saying 'no' firmly because I know I can't do everything, and finding it easy and empowering. People aren't batting an eyelid, even without knowledge of my reasons and it gets easier every time.

I've learnt that there's nearly always no need to explain yourself when you turn people down - just to be certain in your approach.

Start today

With the 'silly season' almost upon us, we have an opportunity to shape how we experience the last few weeks of this year.

Do you want to reach 2011 wrung out and gasping for oxygen, or relaxed and optimistic?

Decide now what you will and won't take on, what you'll accept, how much running around you'll do, and what corners you can cut and make a plan to enjoy the end of this year.

Say 'no' with no excuses and carve yourself some time.

Asking for help

2010-11-21T16:02:00.000-08:00

My three best friends came over on the weekend, armed with spinach pie, chocolate cheesecake and a non-pushy approach to breastfeeding.

Where midwives, lactation consultants and nurses had all failed, my school friends and I eventually lured Sebastian on properly with a mix of hilarity, patience and Lindt chocolate (for us, not him).

It may be the third time I've done this, but Seb is a first-time baby, and I'm all for asking for help instead of battling on for appearances.

Start today

We often face situations where we assume we ought to be able to manage a task because we're experienced or qualified, and expectations are high. We choose to flounder, because we're afraid of how it will look to ask for advice when we 'ought to know how to do this'.

Life is too short to struggle on behind the scenes, and most people are happy to help when they're approached.

The senior managers I have most admired in my career are the ones who openly ask questions and seek clarification when they don't understand something, no matter how it looks. Asking for assistance is a common trait amongst people who do their jobs very well. It saves a lot of time and leads to earlier proficiency in difficult tasks.

It takes strength to show your vulnerability. Ask for help and you'll fly over hurdles rather than tripping over them.

Il dolce far niente - 'the sweetness of doing nothing'

2010-11-21T15:41:00.000-08:00

While I haven't read the book, I saw the movie adaptation of Elizabeth Gilbert's 'Eat, Pray, Love' this week.

I loved the advice given to the frantic and unhappy American by her new Italian friends - who advocate and appreciate 'the sweetness of doing nothing'.

This is a learned art for many of us, who rarely sit still and just 'be'.

I took my daughters to a fete yesterday and decided that - for once - I didn't care how long we stayed. We ambled around, tasted different foods, then sat on the ground and watched a friend's little one queue for 45 minutes for her first pony ride, while we just talked, and picked blades of grass off the oval. I didn't look at my watch and, in the end, we were at the fete for nearly four hours - far longer than I would usually stay, when thoughts would race through my mind of 'everything I need to do at home'.

The result? A wonderful sense of relaxation and another happy memory to chalk up together, rather than a car-ride home with complaints of 'Why couldn't we stay longer? Why are we always in a rush?'

Start today

If you're in the habit of always being busy - if you 'can't relax' and you are constantly armed with a 'to do' list a mile long - give 'the sweetness of doing nothing' a go. It might feel uncomfortable at first to be still with your own thoughts, but it's an effective and inexpensive 'treatment' for the stress of modern life.

Get creative

2010-11-21T15:39:00.000-08:00

With a week and a bit to go before Baby Bliss arrives, I've reached the point where it's difficult to focus on anything but the impending task of safely delivering this baby (and cleaning out cupboards). I'm boring myself and everyone around me, but during this 'waiting' phase - where every twinge might 'be the start of something' (but nine times out of ten, isn't) - it's hard to think of other things.

I had great intentions of using this time to work on my almost finished novel (a 'vampire-free' teen sci-fi romance). I got as far as opening the file the other day, and adding page numbers ... before I drifted onto another pregnancy website searching for ways to induce your own labour, poured another cup of raspberry tea, ate some fresh pineapple and de-cluttered the DVDs.

While I've loved sharing my body with the little person I can't wait to meet, part of me can't wait to get 'me' back - and that goes for my body and mind.

I met a mum-of-three this week who has moved through this pregnancy-obsessed phase and re-immersed herself in her creativity. Juliette, of Parer Photography, is the great niece of the famous World-War Two photographer, Damien Parer. Her uncle is a natural history film producer, and she is launching her exhibition, called 'Home' at the end of this month. She was a great reminder to me that there is 'life after baby' - with personal goals to meet and dreams to fulfill.

Start today

In the frantic dash between work and family, it's easy to lose sight of who you are as an individual.

Is there a creative part of you that you long to nurture? Is it your health and fitness that you'd like to focus on? Do you just crave some space?

This week, make a point of picking up a 'piece' of you that has been pushed to the side because of 'more important' priorities. Dust it off and enjoy the feeling of being 'you' again.

Be decisive

2010-11-21T15:37:00.000-08:00

I hosted a 'shoe party' today, at which guests could select from a multitude of colours, styles, fabrics and trims to design their own pair of shoes.

I'm Libran and, whether there's anything in astrology or not, Librans are renowned for being able to balance both sides of any argument. This is great when it comes to diplomacy and not so great when it comes to making a decision.

The shoe choices seemed totally overwhelming. In the end, I let two of my friends design my shoes for me.

It got me thinking how often I use the excuse that 'I'm Libran' to avoid making a decision. I'll often choose the same dish over and over again at our favourite restaurant, just to avoid having to choose from the menu. I'll toss up between two items, then go home with nothing because it's easier.

What else am I missing out on by being indecisive? Worse, what messages are my two Libran daughters picking up?

Start today

We all make excuses that hold us back. 'I'm blonde', 'I'm not good at maths', 'I'm not coordinated', 'I'm not a people person', 'I can't speak in public'...

After a while, if we tell ourselves often enough (or if we hear this a lot in our family) the excuse becomes part of our identity and an easy way out of situations that challenge us.

It probably would have been fun to design my own shoes today. Next time I'll just jump in.

Mid 30's Crisis

2010-10-05T01:04:00.000-07:00

A study released last week declared that the 30s are the new 40s when it comes to having a mid-life crisis.

If you haven't made good headway to the top of your chosen career by your mid-30s, it seems you're unlikely to get there. When you mix that sense of not having a 'brilliant career' with a cocktail of demanding (yet lovable) kids (or an unmet desire for them), large mortgages, ageing parents and time-poor relationships - it's no wonder so many people are quietly wishing there was 'more to life'...

Start today

Feelings of disappointment, depression and helplessness often stem from a sense of lack of choice. It's common to feel trapped by the decisions we made in our twenties, and to feel that we have 'made our bed, now we have to lie in it'.

If you're feeling the pressure of 'mid life' (at any age) it's time, not for a crisis, but for a 'review'.

What choices do you have, even if they are difficult choices to make? Most things are not set in stone - we just perceive them to be.

Romance versus football

2010-09-19T15:38:00.001-07:00

Someone I know is getting married next Saturday in Canberra, at 2.30pm.

The wedding clashes with the AFL Grand Final in Melbourne - serving up a challenge of priorities for many of the guests, no doubt.

Perhaps no one will struggle more with this than the minister who is officiating at the wedding of his long-term family friends. He is also Chaplain to the Collingwood football team.

I might be a hopeless romantic without a flicker of interest in football of any description (it's all I can do to pay attention during my own daughter's soccer matches), but even I can see the quandary here.

Start today

Often, when two priorities clash, we try to find a way to meet both expectations at least partially.

Sometimes, though, we're faced with what feels like an impossible choice. We simply can't be in two places at once, and must let someone down.

When this happens, it's a good idea to choose to be at the event you would later regret missing the most.

Once you've made your decision, throw yourself into being there 100%. Anything less, and you might as well have missed both occasions - which doesn't do justice to either.

Be a dream-maker

2010-09-19T15:36:00.001-07:00

One of my best friends is leaving for a whirlwind tour of Europe late tonight.

She's been talking about this trip and pouring over travel brochures since we were fourteen years old. Travelling has been her dream all this time, but one thing or another always seemed to get in the way of turning this into reality.

Or did it? All the reasons not to go are still there: kids, money, hectic job. Instead of getting on that long-haul flight tonight, she could still be thinking about it wistfully.

What changed this year was her choice not to dream any longer but to take action, march into a travel agent and book a date. This happened months ago, with plenty of time to ask for leave, re-arrange her schedule, have her children cared for and save the money. Now, here she is - ticket in hand, world at her feet.

Start today

What are you still dreaming about, when you could be enjoying the reality?

Enjoy the feeling of getting out of the passenger's seat and into the driver's seat in your life.

Celebrating your quiet achievements

2010-09-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

I was recently involved in the panel for some job interviews, and the final question asked applicants to describe a work achievement of which they are particularly proud.

The expected array of big, sparkling achievements was rolled out by various applicants. Some of them were quite impressive.

The answer that stood out, though, was a simple admission from a woman who became quite emotional when she said that she had reached a point in her career where she knows what she's doing. When people ask her for help, or when they need information, she instinctively knows the answer. It's a point that, earlier in the job when she was floundering in the role, she couldn't imagine herself ever reaching.

Start today

If we feel like we're getting nowhere, it's often because we're overlooking our little victories. We're so busy striving for flashy results, or comparing ourselves against other people's neon-lit milestones that we don't notice the small steps we're taking each day that add up over time to significant progress.

Big results don't always arrive wrapped in glamorous packages. Give credit to your 'quiet achievements'. If you're lucky, you'll develop a perspective like the woman we interviewed.

Incidentally, she got the job. So, having stepped up to the next level, she might start floundering again at first.

This time she knows she can hurdle it.

What exactly are you doing?

2010-08-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

I was diagnosed with a touch of gestational diabetes this week, which involves taking blood-sugar readings several times and day and keeping a detailed food diary. I also had a meeting with my accountant, who wants me to 'diarise' the entire family's use of the telephone and internet for a month, plus the car usage.

While it's an inconvenience to do these tasks, I'm amazed at the wake-up call it has given me. There's no hiding those extra chocolates, or time spent face-booking, when it's written down in black-and-white.

Start today

If you're wondering where the time goes, or where the kilos are creeping up from, keep a diary for a week and the answer will present itself. It's one week of effort to create an empowering and informed starting point for making positive changes in your life.

Glass half full

2010-08-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

So, here we are, hanging, Government-less, while a handful of men decide who should be in charge of the nation.

I took my daughters with me to vote on Saturday. Sophie, (nine), gave me advice on who to support: 'Vote for Mike Kelly, Mummy - he's tall, and when he comes to our school for a visit we get out of school work. He doesn't look like he's in labour, though - he's not that fat!'

Glad to have some sensible advice, I forged my way through the throng of party faithful as they lavished attention like a swarm of paparazzi, shook my hand and said hi to the children.

It's so easy to get annoyed by it all. The campaign, the hype, the media frenzy, the daily letterbox drops, the inconvenience of finding a car park and queuing to vote - the lack of an outcome.

One of my best friends had a different view. She wrote, 'We are so lucky to live in a country where all we have to battle through are the spruikers handing out how-to-vote cards, and not Defence personnel with guns keeping us safe, while we wonder if we'll disappear in the next day or two, just for turning up.'

Start today

We can easily get side-tracked by the minor inconveniences in our lives, losing sight of the bigger, and often more positive, picture.

This week, if you find yourself focusing on the empty half of the glass - not just as we watch our politicians battle it out to form a Government, but in any of your personal situations - flip the picture on its head and look at the positive side.

Life seems so much brighter when we learn to do this, and problems start to shrink in importance.

The 25-hour day: how to find seven extra hours each week

2010-08-15T22:15:00.000-07:00

When you’re asked: ‘How are you?’ do you answer:
a) busy

b) flat out, or

c) frantic

There are other options, but it’s been so long since I’ve heard any of them that I can’t remember what they are.

If you’re stuck on treadmill set to ‘max’ with an ever-increasing incline, pushing yourself to keep going, hoping you won’t be flung off the end of the machine – you’re not alone!

The Australian Work and Life Index found that working mums are more harried and pressed for time than ever before. We know we need more ‘me time’, but how can we fit another thing into the twenty-four hours we’ve already crammed full of work, family, friends, study, multiplying loads of washing, supervising school projects, the taxi service we provide for our kids and crawling into bed after the day is done, thinking, ‘I just need one more hour in the day...’

It can be easier to find that extra hour than you think! Try working through this ten-minute exercise:

How will you spend your extra ‘me time’?

When you’re given a pay rise, it can be easy to expand into the added income unless you have a goal in mind – like saving for a particular holiday. It’s the same with our time. We fritter it away if we don’t have a plan in mind for how we want to spend it.

If you had an extra hour each day to spend on yourself, and you weren’t allowed to use it for work or housework, how would you fill it? Make a mini ‘bucket list’ of all the things you’d love to do, the activities you used to enjoy and the experiences you long to try.

Pick the one that excites you most and write this at the top of a fresh page, with two columns drawn underneath.

Stack on the pleasure

If you found time for this activity, what would it give you? What are the positive spin-offs? Would you feel calmer if you found time for this? More stimulated, centred, rewarded, patient, interesting or happy?

If you felt these things, how would this affect those around you? What impact would it have on your work? What would your family notice about you?

Jot these points in the right-hand column.

What’s the cost of not doing this?

On the left, write down what’s going to happen if you don’t make time for this activity. How will this affect you? How will you feel if things stay the same as they are now? What will your mood be like? How will you interact with others? What will your concentration levels be?

If you don’t give yourself time for this activity and keep plugging on at the pace you are now, what is it going to cost you in the short, medium and long term?

How have you been spending your spare time?

Draw a large outline of a human eye, with the pupil in the centre and a smaller circle to one side, representing a ‘blind spot’.

Think of the last seven days. What have you been focussing on in your spare time? Favourite TV programs? Facebook? Surfing the internet? Jot down these activities in the centre of your ‘eye’.

Now, think of the activity you ‘don’t have time for’. Is it in your focus at all, or in your blind spot?

Look at what’s been consuming your attention. Compare the benefits of these activities to those you’ve identified for the new activity. Which is a better use of your time?

Cut the cake a different way

Recognise that you can allocate your spare time in several different ways. Shift some of the less important time-wasters out of your near focus and into your blind spot, freeing up extra time.

Bring your desired activity front and centre in your focus. Take your diary and block out set times for this over the next seven days.

Tell your partner and kids about it and get them on board by encouraging them to do the same thing for an activity of their choice. Balance your individual desires as a family.

Be 100% present

When it’s time for you to enjoy your extra hour of ‘me time’, absorb yourself in it 100%

Set aside all thoughts of ‘what else I should be doing’ and truly enjoy this gift to yourself.

By learning to live ‘deep’ - not ‘fast’ – we’re setting our treadmill at a comfortable pace.

The Mummy Wars

2010-08-15T22:13:00.001-07:00

A report released this week on the impact on children of having a working mum, tipped fresh fuel over the smouldering ‘Mummy Wars’ debate.

Working mums have ‘higher maternal sensitivity’ than their stay-at-home counterparts, according to the University of Columbia’s report: First-Year Maternal Employment and Child Development in the First Seven Years. They ‘seek higher-quality childcare and can return to work within a year of giving birth without harming their babies’ development’.

‘Queue all the screaming and bitter stay-at-home mums!’ one online poster commented in response to the story. ‘You breed them, you feed them!’ retorted another. Another described a ‘generation of disconnected kids with mental problems’ (presumably the children of mums who work), amidst a barrage of ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ proponents.

Breakfast television, drive-time radio and online media were inundated with impassioned talk-back from parents who have chosen one path but feel compelled to stomp and trample on the other – not unlike the behaviour of tantruming two-year-olds (something you see, incidentally, in both private homes and childcare centres across the country).

I can’t help wondering who was looking after the children while the grown-ups slogged it out on the front line, ripping apart each other’s choices and grasping at snippets of scholarly data and anecdotal evidence that might be used for the dual purpose of piling more guilt on the other side, while building a protective fortress around their own decisions. As with the Breast versus Bottle debate that plagues new mums, it was all about Doing The Right Thing, as if a black-and-white solution exists.

I’ve been a parent for nearly twelve years and, as far as work goes, I’ve tried it all. I’ve stayed at home full time. I’ve worked full time. I’ve worked part time. I’ve job-shared. I’ve worked from home.

If my kids are ‘happy and well-adjusted’ (the Holy Grail over which Mummy-War armies fight unnecessarily, not realising that there’s plenty of this to go around), it will have little to do with my work and parenting patterns and everything to do with a much bigger picture. Parenting is not about clocking on. It’s about switching on. And then holding on for dear life.

We all have days when we’re ‘in the zone’ as parents, just as we have days that we fervently wish we could re-wind and start over. The key is to work out what puts us ‘in the zone’ as switched-on mums most often (we’ll never get it right all the time).

For some women, this means staying at home full time, without the distraction of paid employment. Others find they’re more effective as parents if they combine parenting with a career. Some stay at home and make a hash of it. Others work and make a hash of that. Good parenting is not as simple as which room you’re in.

The parents who seem to do it well are the ones who are most ‘present’ for their children when they’re together – the most ‘switched on’, engaged and focussed (which is not to be confused with smothering and spoiling). They spend time together with their kids and time apart. They hold out a hand when it’s needed and they know when to hang back and let their children work it out for themselves. They’ve nailed ‘tough love’, yet they sit in the dark, holding back tears during the school play.

They’re often fulfilled by more than just their parenting, and this fulfilment is not necessarily derived from paid work, though it can be. They value themselves. Their children have the same sense of ‘wholeness’, opportunity and possibility. They’re flexible, resilient and able to cope well with change.

Or maybe they’re not. Sometimes parents do everything ‘right’ and their kids go off the rails regardless. Parenting is about what we do, what we don’t do, our triumphs, the mistakes we make and how we learn from them. A large part of it is about who we are parenting, the choices they make - and the luck of the draw.

How we reach that Holy Grail - happy and well-adjusted kids - is not important. How the parent-next-door gets there is not important either. All we can do is have our hearts in the right place, our heads on our shoulders, take a deep breath, plunge in and learn to swim.

And if a parent in the next lane appears to be swimming a different stroke – we can resist the temptation to push them under. Our kids are watching us, after all.
Emma Grey is the Director of WorkLifeBliss and author of Wits’ End Before Breakfast! Confessions of a Working Mum (Lothian, 2005). www.worklifebliss.com.au

Controlling your boundaries

2010-08-15T22:12:00.001-07:00

I was involved in some job interviews last week, and watched with interest as the candidates raised the question of work-life balance in this particular organisation.

The chair of the panel explained that the provisions exist for good work-life balance, but it's up to the individual to take advantage of this.

Start today

Work-life balance might seem a little 'airy fairy' but it requires tenacity and a strong sense of purpose to pull it off. Once you've worked out your top priorities, you must erect boundaries around these, then fiercely protect them.

This includes managing your top priorities at work. How often do you reach the end of the day with a longer 'to do' list than the one you started with? You know what work you must do, but you allow your own work to be trampled upon and moved further down the list by other people's demands and interruptions.

Create fences around what must be accomplished today. Learn to say things like 'no', 'not right now', 'later', 'I'm working on a major priority today, let me get back to you tomorrow..' Buy yourself the time and space you need to complete your work and get out the door at the end of the day with a sense of achievement.

If you struggle to manage your time this way, ask yourself what you're worried might happen if you say 'no' to others. What is behind this? Is it a fear of not being liked, or taken seriously? How valid is your concern, really?

Observe those who do this well, see how much work they plough through and how well-respected they are for managing themselves well. Model their behaviour and see how much easier your day becomes.

Are you sabotaging Monday mornings?

2010-08-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

Do you have mornings where getting to work is like struggling through a medieval gauntlet? Starting with the unwelcome blast of your beside alarm, you navigate through bickering kids, unironed clothes, bad hair, no fresh bread for the sandwiches and a school project that someone forgot is due back NOW.

At every turn, it's as though something is against your smooth exit from the house, only for you to hit morning traffic, at which point your pulse rate climbs and you think it's all Monday's fault!
Start today

Monday has nothing to do with it.

What can you change about your Sunday night routine that will ensure a more peaceful and positive start to the week?

Laying out everyone's clothes and uniforms? Making lunches? Ensuring there's a full tank of petrol in the car? Checking everyone's diaries? Setting the alarm ten minutes earlier? Getting an early night?

If you expect a tough morning, you'll have one. Design your ideal start to the week and take responsibility for the aspects over which you have control. Reduce the impact of Monday-itis by removing the self-inflicted causes, replacing them with simple steps that bring you calm.

Building relationships

2010-08-01T15:25:00.001-07:00

I've been asked to provide executive coaching for a manager who is dealing with some difficult staff. I happened to be babysitting my three-year-old niece when the email came through, so I asked her opinion.

'What do you do at pre-school when someone is being difficult or mean, Abbey?'

'Well!' she began, 'First, I take them out into the playground away from everyone else, then I give them a big hug, then I say "let's play something else", like twisting or spinning, then they're happy again!'

Start today

There's merit in Abbey's pre-school approach - in fact, it's an approach that was shared by Abraham Lincoln, who said 'I don't like that man - I must get to know him better'.

Are you dealing with someone difficult, or experiencing a 'personality clash'? Who is going to make the first move?

MasterTime

2010-07-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

Like millions of others, I was glued to the MasterChef finale, and have watched most of the series. That's about eight hours of air time per week, for fourteen weeks.

I chose to fill a big chunk of my spare time with MasterChef, and I've enjoyed it with my daughters.

As a consequence, I can't complain that there's 'no time' for other things, like writing my novel, exercising, spring cleaning, taking a long bath, having a massage, cleaning out the garage, updating my website or any of the other things on my list.

Start today

Many of us love to run the 'I don't have time' story. Being 'flat out' has become part of modern Australian culture.

Be honest and recognise that you DO have spare time - you're using it to focus on certain priorities.

We can carve up our time however we like. I'm going to replace my MasterChef time with novel writing - so there's eight spare hours a week (or an entire working day) that I've just gained!

How could you find some extra time this week?

Feel the fear and do it anyway

2010-07-18T17:20:00.000-07:00

I've just attended a four-day intensive, exhausting and rewarding public speaking and presentations skills course in Melbourne.

I was inspired by a handful of the particpants who came to the course not as experienced trainers wanting to lift their game, but as beginners wanting to conquer an acute fear of public speaking - something that had held them back in their careers for years (a fear that many people share).

At the beginning of Day One, these people had doubts about even entering the training room, couldn't look the audience in the eye, shook violently during the one-minute exercise and certainly couldn't utter a cohesive sentence.

By Day Four, the same people stood up in front of a group and gave a twenty-minute presentation, without any notes.

The transformation was startling.

Start today

Do you have a fear that is holding you back in your career or personal life?

Fear of flying, fear of commitment, fear of the unknown, fear of the impact of children on your career, fear of rejection, fear of stepping up into a management role ...

Imagine the possibilities that might open up for you if you conquered that fear... if you let yourself feel afraid, but did whatever it is anyway.

What's really the worst that could happen?

Happens to the best of us...

2010-07-11T14:57:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are just back from our gorgeous babymoon in Italy, where they really seem to 'get' life balance.

Afternoon siesta is a fabulous notion. Evenings don't seem to be spent catching up on work on lap tops in front of Master Chef - they're spent becoming master chefs and enjoying long meals with family and friends, or taking 'passaggiata' (evening strolls around the town after work).

It all seems so meaningful and relaxed (granted, we were on holiday, so everything appears relaxed!)

One thing that surprised me during our visit were the flaws in Michelangelo's masterpiece - the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

The panels with which he kicked off the project are far more detailed than the rest of the painting. They looked good up close but the detail is lost from the floor, so he had to modify the style for the rest - which meant bigger images, less intricate detail and more space.

He despised being ordered to paint the ceiling and ran away from Rome several times during the process, much preferring his sculpture work (and don't we all identify with those feelings, on our own scale, from time to time).

Start today

When you doubt yourself, your work or your ability to achieve a certain standard, think of Michelangelo - slaving for years over a project he hated and mucked up at first, which permanently damaged his eyesight (nevertheless becoming one of the most famous masterpieces of the Western world).

It's easy to feel overwhelmed by someone else's apparent genius, success or happiness. Rest assured that the full story behind what appears to be perfect at first glance is rarely the fairytale you assume it to be, we are always more critical of ourselves than we are of others, and even Ninja Turtles have their moments!

How long will it take?

2010-06-20T21:12:00.000-07:00

I read about a real estate agent who bought some nice framed prints to decorate the walls of the sales office, but thought it would take a day to hang all the prints, so kept putting it off.

The prints sat on the floor of the sales room for over a year, until once day he got sick of it and thought 'I'll just put one of these up this lunch time'.

Thirty-six minutes later, he had ALL of the prints up on the walls and the office looked great!

Inaccurately estimating the time it will take to do something can tempt us to procrastinate. We assume the task is much bigger and more harrowing than it will really be. We then spend many more hours and mental energy thinking about the task than it would take us to complete it.

Start today

Look at your 'to-do' list and make an estimate beside each item of how long it would realistically take you to complete it.

Bunch the quick and easy tasks together and add up the total time it will take to get these things done.

Find slots in your diary and schedule the tasks in, along with a reward for getting through them.

You might be surprised at how much easier and faster some things are to accomplish than you anticipated.

Out with the old...

2010-06-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

Wintry long weekends are fabulous for de-cluttering.

We've spent most of ours sorting through wardrobes and making space by putting together 'hand-me-down' parcels for my sister, only to have her do the same thing in reverse for us, so I'm not sure how much space we're creating but it certainly feels therapeutic to sort things out.

We also had a leisurely afternoon tea at a gorgeous tea house called 'Adore Tea'. Watching the steam rise out of the glass teapot, (heated over a tealight candle), hearing the soft chinks of china cups and breathing the aroma of 'cafe latte' flavoured tea was unexpectedly relaxing.

Start today

De-cluttering gives you a sense of power, control and orderliness. Chunk down the task and attack one area each day, even if you've only got time to do the cutlery drawer at home and the pencil jar at work. Getting your workspace and home under control will make it so much easier to make the most of your time in both places.

Staying on track with complex tasks

2010-06-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

Are you a big picture or details person?

The key to staying on track with complex tasks lies in being able to move easily between the two perspectives.

Start today

Once you decide on your goal and create an action list, ask yourself if there is an easier way of achieving this.

When you're bogged down in detail, remind yourself of the big picture. What is the purpose of this task? If what you're doing does not fit in with your core purpose, stop doing it.

When you're focussed on the big picture, remind yourself of the steps you need to take to reach your goal.

Operate at each of these levels and perspectives and move between them often to manage complex tasks well.

Think of yourself as a master painter with a big picture in mind, painting intricate details and standing back for perspective to check that you're on track.

Are you above schoolyard politics?

2010-05-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

On the way home from our relaxing weekend in the Snowy Mountains, my husband and I stopped off to share a delicious, hot, Dutch apple crepe in a tiny country town.

Two women - both quilters - were sitting nearby, having an animated discussion, and I amused myself eavesdropping, (as usual).

I only caught snippets of what they were gossiping about, but the snippets went something like this:

'Of course we all supported her - after all, she was a member of the Guild...'

Hushed whispers...

'... the Dalgety Show incident...'

More hushed whispers...

'...obviously machine-done...'

'Oh, I know... I know!' (a la Sybil Fawlty, with much 'tut-tutting' and head-shaking).

Whatever the drama was about, it was clearly ridiculous, as so many of these things are in the grand scheme of things.

It got me thinking about human beings - how banal our petty politics can be, how trivial the content usually is and how badly it reflects on those involved.

Start today

'Schoolyard' politics arise anywhere where a group of people congregate, and offices can be a breeding ground for what I like to call, 'whispering huddle syndrome'.

It can be tempting to get involved - unless, as is desirable, you left this sort of thing behind in primary school along with Sunnyboys and Space Food Sticks.

Be the professional you want others to see you as, and not just when there's a chance someone might be eavesdropping...

Stick with it

2010-05-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

• Told by a music teacher that 'as a composer he is hopeless'? Beethoven

• Rejected by 12 publishers and 16 literary agents? John Grisham

• Told by a recording company, 'we don't like their sound and guitar music is on the way out'? The Beatles

• Fired from a newspaper because he 'lacked imagination and had no original ideas'? Walt Disney

• Cut from the high school basketball team? Michael Jordan

• Auditioned for All My Children and rejected? Julia Roberts

Start today

Do you give up after a set-back, or do you persevere like the successful people in the list above?

Think how disappointing it would be if it wasn't your talent that was letting you down, but your level of persistence...

A lesson in self-belief

2010-05-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

I have to confess that, seven months ago, I was one of the Jessica Watson doubters. I thought it was sheer madness for a sixteen-year-old girl to set out on a solo around-the-world sailing trip in her little pink boat, and had visions of her ending up on the front pages for all the wrong reasons.

Of course, as the months went by, I gained a growing respect for what she was doing. On Saturday, I was glued to the TV for hours, cheering her on and getting teary when she stumbled off the boat and into her parents' arms. What spirit!

Start today

Self-belief is your most powerful asset. You will weather the storms with it, reach lofty goals and battle through, even when others give up on you.

How would you rate your self-belief, out of ten?

Think of times in your life when you sailed through something challenging. For many women, it's getting through childbirth. For others, it's surviving grief, or divorce, or a difficult job.

Make a list of these examples of your personal strength, and think of this as a bucket of courage for your to dip into when you need it next.

Our reach should exceed our grasp

2010-05-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

The girls and I, my sister and one of my best friends have taken to entering the Mother's Day Classic fun run as an annual tradition.

The girls like to run in honour of their paternal grandmother and great-grandmother - both of whom are breast cancer survivors.

This year, my eleven-year-old decided she would run the 10km. This is double the longest distance she has ever run, and a bit of a tall order, I thought (given lack of training, other than last week's school cross country carnival where they ran about 4km).

Watching her set off, I was reminded of the time she insisted on entering the 100m open freestyle in the swimming carnival in Year 2 and came last. It was heart-wrenching.

An hour later, she was calling me from the finish line (our 5km walk had begun by this stage), sounding jubilant and energised - she and Auntie ran the whole way without stopping.

Start today

Growth is one of our six 'core needs' - without it we feel stagnant and unfulfilled.

It was Robert Browning who said our 'reach should exceed our grasp', and he was right. There is nothing more motivating than striving for something that may be just out of reach, and nothing more rewarding than realising it wasn't out of reach, after all.

Think about your career. Are you really stretching yourself, or just coasting? Do you feel like you're moving forward, or like you're stuck?

What is the first thing you need to do to propel yourself in the direction you want to go?

Carpe Diem

2010-05-08T21:45:00.000-07:00

This week, I've caught up with the news from two old school friends - neither of whom I've seen since the Year 12 formal nearly twenty years ago.

Friend A is tossing up whether or not to have a major career change into something she's extremely passionate about and has always wanted to do. She's worried about timing and finances, and this has been holding her back from making the decision.

Friend B is battling cancer. I can't help wondering what her advice would be to Friend A.

It doesn't seem long since we all had schoolgirl crushes on Ethan Hawke in Dead Poets' Society and were quoting 'Carpe Diem' and sprouting big dreams as though we were invincible.

Start today

So many of our adult choices are based on what might happen in a future we like to think is much more certain than it really is. We fear imaginary consequences, focus on worst-case scenarios and try to keep ourselves as 'safe' as possible.

Could it be that the worst-case scenario is actually playing it too safe and not taking the chances that might ultimately make our lives complete?

Ask yourself which dreams you've swept under the carpet. Are you trapping yourself in a rut, or a comfort zone, falsely thinking you're safe here?

When you think of my Friend B, choose one of your old dreams to focus on. 'Try it on' in your mind and see how you feel when you imagine doing it. You can turn this into reality if you like - or not.

It's your life.

Baby Bliss

2010-04-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

We've been working on something special here and want to share it with you. Baby Bliss is due in November. While we each have much-adored children from previous marriages, this will be our first (and only) child together, and we are over the moon. :-)

So, reasoning that it would be a few years before I could easily take the girls to the Dawn Service, I dragged myself out of bed yesterday at 5ish and rugged up.

Allejandro (as the girls have nicknamed the baby, after the hero of one of Lady GaGa's songs) had other ideas though, and we had to ditch ANZAC Day for a dash to the local hospital with a threatened miscarriage (at 12 weeks). All appears to have settled down today, and we have further tests this week.

Something like this shifts your priorities sharply into perspective. Social events were cancelled, my assignments put on hold, the girls farmed out to my long-suffering parents and sister and our long weekend completely cleared.

At times like this, we instinctively know 'what matters'. Other things that seemed important suddenly aren't. We're so certain of what to do, we don't have to think about our next move.

Start today

Don't wait for a wake-up call to be thankful for what you have. Always protect the things that matter to you most, above all else.

No such thing as 'can't'

2010-04-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

I took the girls to the Great Moscow Circus last week, and we were thoroughly entertained.

During the ribbon dancer's high-flying performance, Sophie (nine) nudged me in the ribs and said, 'you know - that lady couldn't always do that...'

It was a motivating observation, compared with what I'd just been thinking: 'wow - I could never do that!'

Put most adults at the foot of two scraps of material and ask us to climb up to the top and perform tricks without a harness and we'd probably say, 'I can't'.

Children tend to think: 'I can't yet'.

Start today

Thomas Edison said, 'many of life's failures are people who didn't realise how close they were to success when they gave up.'

Real success is rarely an overnight phenomenon, but the result of hard work, persistence and self-belief.

When you compare yourself to others who do something amazingly well, remind yourself, like Sophie did, that 'they couldn't always do that...'

One day, if you keep working at it, someone might say the same about you.

Shrink the task

2010-04-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

My husband bought me a great book this week called, 'Switch: How to change things, when change is hard'.

One of the chapters is all about 'shrinking the change'. It's about taking something overwhelming and unpleasant (cleaning the whole house, for example) and 'shrinking' the task into a palatable slice.

The online domestic guru, 'FlyLady', is great at this. She advocates setting a kitchen timer for five minutes and attacking the worst room in the house, then stopping after five minutes with a clear conscience.

The idea is that, once you start, you'll probably keep going. It's about setting in motion a 'virtuous circle' of action by first shrinking the unattractive task to a manageable size.

Start today

What tasks can you shrink at work and at home?

Take anything that you have been procrastinating about because the task seems overwhelming, and 'shrink the change'.

• Piles of filing to do? Set yourself a 5-minute deadline.

• Mountain of washing to fold? Just fold the sheets and towels.

• Should do an hour's exercise? Just walk around the block.

Chances are, once you start, you'll keep going.

Too much of a good thing?

2010-04-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

How are you feeling about chocolate right now?

I have to tell you I'm feeling not so fussed about it.

Temporarily over it, in fact! Could I have had too much of a good thing?

Start today

Balance is all about doing lots of things in moderation - working, playing, doing housework, eating, drinking, socialising, exercising, learning...

If we have too much of any of these - even good things - we're out of kilter.

Learn to adopt a mindset of 'all things in moderation', and try it out this week. Look for the areas of your life that you are 'overdoing' and reel these in. Look for areas that are missing out, and crank these up.

Enjoy the difference it makes in your life.

As young as you feel

2010-03-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

I met a fabulous woman named Audrey this week.

She is 82, with hot-pink streaks in her 'punk rocker' hair, she goes to the gym for an hour most days of the week and she recently scored her first High Distinction at uni.

In her time, she has overcome alcoholism and depression, and has been sober and anti-depressant-free now for 39 years. She is just starting a new business now, at 82, and is looking forward to graduating from uni.

When I asked her what the secret was to her amazing vitality, she said it was simple. When she was about 78, she told herself to 'get out of this chair, Audrey, and GO DO SOMETHING!'

Start today

Is there anything you've been putting off? Losing weight, having a healthy lifestyle, picking up a course of study, starting a new business?

Think of Audrey, get out of your chair and go do something!

Work hard, relax hard

2010-03-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

On Friday afternoon, I was given an urgent job from one of my corporate clients, just after I'd accepted a major task for another organisation. Both roles are on a mutual trajectory over the next three weeks, and I knew I should get a start on the work this weekend - even though, after a big week, I needed a rest.

First thing Saturday we went shopping. It was my husband's birthday, and I wanted to buy him some books and music in Borders.

I'd almost escaped the store without succumbing to any personal purchases, until I noticed the latest release by one of my favourite 'chick-lit' authors - Catherine Alliott. Five hundred delicious new pages of scandal, wit and humour!

I was beside myself with anticipation!

I couldn't get home fast enough! I put my feet up, started reading, and have only stopped to compose this email.

I feel great! Relaxed, refreshed, and ready for the challenges of the week.

Start today

The harder you work, the harder you need to relax. As elite athletes know, our bodies perform best when we allow time for recovery. Pushing yourself to work without a break can result in sub-standard outputs that take twice as long to deliver.

If you're feeling stressed by all that you have to do, you've been working hard and you want your tired brain to produce something really professional - grab a good novel and put your feet up for half an hour, go for a walk or have a chatty phone call with a friend, then notice the creativity flowing again.

Mothers are burning out - is anyone listening?

2010-03-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

Journalist Jennifer Sexton has organised a public forum this Thursday evening on the topic of burnt-out mums. I was invited to speak with my 'WorkLifeBliss' hat on, as a 'reformed frazzled mum' from my Wits' End days. All are very welcome to attend - it's being held at St Thomas More, Campbell, ACT from 7.30pm. Here's a radio interview that a couple of us did today.

For further details about the forum, click here.

Down the rabbit hole

2010-03-13T21:46:00.000-08:00

How nice to see a Canberra girl playing the role of Alice opposite Johnny Depp. She's the sister of my step-son's friend, which the girls like to think makes us practically famous.

The movie has such a great message for young (and not so young) girls. Make your own decisions. Stand up for what is right. It's better to be loved than feared.

It also shows how distracting it is to go down rabbit holes.

Start today

Confuscious says 'if you chase two rabbits, you catch none'.

Which rabbit holes are tempting you today, and how far off track are they likely to take you?

Before jumping down the rabbit hole of 'just checking email quickly' or accepting a colleague's 'have you got five-minutes?' interruption, ask yourself which rabbit you're supposed to be chasing right now and don't let it get away.

Taking a leap of faith

2010-03-07T14:31:00.001-08:00

In my daughters' school assembly last week, one class performed the outrageous Australian classic, 'The Wombat Wobble'.

The song involves an array of ridiculous actions, which had the 500-strong audience of kids in stitches.

One little boy in the class performing the item is blind. He threw himself into the actions - the audience laughing along with the song - and it occurred to me how brave he is.

From his position on stage he would have had no idea what he looked like, whether he was doing the silly actions right, whether he was in time with his classmates, or whether the audience was laughing at the class as a whole, or at him individually. None of these thoughts seemed to cross his mind - so why did they cross mine?

Start today

How often do you hold yourself back from your best performance because you're afraid of what people might think. If this boy can close his eyes and do the Wombat Wobble in front of a laughing audience, what excuses can we possibly make for being self-conscious?

Think of something you've been holding back from because you're not sure of yourself. Get out of your own way - and shine!

Sinking the black

2010-02-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

My 16-year-old step-son is a bit of a pool shark. That said, occasionally he sinks all the coloured balls in quick succession, only to push the black around the table fruitlessly while I try (in vain) to catch up.

Have you ever been gung-ho about a project - sinking your coloured balls easily and quickly - only to sabotage the completion of the project by pushing the black ball all over the pool table instead of just sinking the thing? Someone I know has her business website ready to go live. All the content is written - she just needs to push that button and publish the site. Instead, she's pushing the website all over the pool table, anywhere but in the pocket.

People fail to complete things for any number of reasons. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Perfectionism. Fear of not being good enough. Reluctance to 'let go'. Concern about what others will think when we 'go live' with something.

Start today

Make a list of all the black balls you're yet to sink. Projects you've almost finished that would take a relatively small amount of effort to complete. From this list, pick the easiest task or project first - the one that is closest to being finished or simplest to complete - and sink that black.

Are you faking it?

2010-02-14T12:15:00.000-08:00

Do you secretly fear that it's only a matter of time before people work out you're not as competent as you pretend to be?

If you feel like you're just keeping your head above water - striving to look like a person who knows what you're doing, even when you don't - then join the club.

The fear of not being good enough, and of being found out, is almost universal.

Often, this fear is rooted in childhood, particularly in early school experiences. We get caught out in a spelling bee, or a teacher draws everyone's attention to our poor mark on the maths test (thanks for that, Mrs Van Leest!) and we decide, in that moment, that we're not good enough.

Must try harder. Could do better.

Start today

Drift back into your childhood. Ask yourself what happened, the first time you decided that you weren't good enough.

Have another look at this event, using your adult perspective. What meaning did you give the event as a child? Is this valid now?

Re-frame your fear. Not only is it normal to feel out of your depth every so often - it's great! Whenever you feel unsure of yourself, you're about to grow.

Learn to embrace these feelings and you'll find that - rather than feel anxious - you'll feel excited.

Got your pink umbrella?

2010-02-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

A friend and I took our daughters to Sydney on the weekend for their first real pop concert. We'd been looking forward to it since Christmas - Sophie, who's nine, hadn't seen Sydney since she was a baby, and she really wanted to experience the gorgeousness of the harbour in summer.

We'd planned a ferry ride to Manly, then fish and chips and ice-creams on the beach.

Unfortunately, it bucketed with rain for the entire weekend. This meant no sparkling harbour views, ferry ride or beach. We could make out the bridge and Opera House when the rain eased slightly, but it was anything but spectacular.

Not that the girls cared. We'd purchased $10 pink umbrellas from a souvenir shop and they danced through the Quay, laughing, splashing and making up 'singing in the rain'-inspired dance routines.

Start today

When the weather closes in on you in the form of challenges in your life, do you feel like a victim of what's happened?

Or do you find your 'pink umbrella' and make something of the situation?

This week, find some new ways of looking at life 'bright side up'.

Start immediately, by asking yourself what frame of mind you are in for the very next task that you are about to do...

Life on Planet Mother - a chapter from Wits' End Before Breakfast

2010-01-31T12:10:00.000-08:00

Four months after Ellie's birth, it had just gone three

o'clock one morning when it occurred to me that I

was hooked on the latest in mechanical breast expres-

sion equipment. I mean literally — I was plugged into

this machine like a prize cow on a rotalactor ...

But nothing much was coming out. Hardly a drop,

in fact. 'What's wrong with this thing?' I fumed. I

reread the instruction booklet and leaned forward a bit

to see if gravity would do the trick — but nothing.

Total yield from both sides? Less than ten millilitres.

Pain level on a scale of one to ten? A conservative

twenty-five.

The machine sucked — in every sense of the word.

It also made alarming noises, emitting a hybrid 'moo-

honk' with every agonising pulse. At the best of times,

it's disconcerting to watch your nipple being vacuumed

into an unforgiving plastic funnel — much worse when

there's almost nothing to show for it.

I consulted the 228-page manual on the simplicity

of breastfeeding. You're meant to look at the baby to

stimulate the let-down reflex, so I tried that. Ellie was

red-faced and screaming with hunger in the rocker

and I thought, 'Yes, I do feel a trifle let down ...'

Not by her, of course. By myself. She hadn't put on

any weight in three weeks. The Nipple Nazis from the

baby clinic told me to hang in there and forbade me

to complement her feeds with formula because it

would 'ruin the milk supply'. Could this be a case of

shutting the proverbial gate, I wondered, after the

horse had well and truly bolted?

As a new mum (albeit second time around) I took

the nurses' advice. I'd breastfed Matilda for twelve

months quite happily — surely I could manage a

repeat performance? Breast is — (as we all know ...

say the mantra with me) — BEST. I'd experienced it

like that, too: flourishing infant guzzling softly, milk

over-flowing from the corners of her satisfied little

mouth, little fingers grasping mine, tiny eyelids blink-

ing in contentment ...

But the reality is that the experience can also be

difficult bordering on impossible sometimes, despite

the best of intentions — and it messes with your com-

mon sense. (Not that there are any posters to this

effect displayed in maternity wards or early-childhood

clinics.)

Apparently the more stimulation you get, the more

milk you make. This didn't say much for the program

on offer in the dark, mastitis-afflicted months of

Elbe's troubled infancy, when our days went some-

thing like this: Five o'clock in the morning Ellie

wakes, crying for food. I give her all I have (which is

never enough). She continues crying — screaming,

actually — for the next fourteen hours. Nothing

placates her. I try to express some milk. Matilda sits

beside me, engrossed in the process but not so inter-

ested that she forgets her request for help with the

Cookie Monster jigsaw puzzle. At this point it's

beyond me. And by that I mean everything is beyond

me, not just the puzzle ...

On one such morning I switched the pump off to

answer the phone. It was the clinic sister attempting

to wax lyrical (and repetitive) on the subject of 'breast

is best' over the competing screams of a starving baby.

She told me in no uncertain terms not to resort to

'artificial feeding'. I glanced around the room at the

array of electrical cords, plastic tubes and bottles in

various degrees of sterilisation, and wondered how

much more artificial this process could get. She then

offered the services of a mobile lactation consultant. I

accepted graciously, hung up, and hooked myself up

to the pump again. Matilda glanced from the contrap-

tion to my breast and said, 'Right Mummy, where

were we up to?' It was like having a two-year-old life

coach.

Delivering another half a drop of milk into the

bottle, I pressed the pause button when the phone

rang again. It was Mum, wanting to know whether

that poor child was still crying and asking why on

earth I didn't just give her some formula. Rachel and

I were partly raised on the stuff and, according to

Mum, we 'turned out okay'. I started to think that

maybe she was right ...

But before I could organise things, the lactation

consultant arrived and embarked on half an hour of

note taking and manhandling, after which Ellie was

still ravenous and I was drinking a witch's brew of

molasses and fenugreek. The mention of formula was

about as taboo as the idea of settling the baby to sleep

on her stomach. I was firmly convinced, again, that

breastfeeding was the right thing to do.

No sooner was the mammary evangelist down the

driveway than Mum arrived bearing a large tin of

S26 and a microwavable steam steriliser. Ellie was

bawling. I was bawling. Matilda was bawling. Five

minutes in our company and Mum was also bawling.

There was nothing for it but to phone the local

family-care hospital and turn myself in.

Pretty soon I was beamed into the Mother Ship. It

was refreshing to find that all the other inmates

required about as much help as I did — for sleep dep-

rivation, post-natal depression, feeding problems or a

demoralising combination of them all.

The rooms were sunny and the babies were gor-

geous. No one had enjoyed a wink of decent sleep in

several months and yet we sat together drinking hot

toddies and talking long after the babies were settled,

into the early hours of the morning.

As individuals, the only thing we had in com-

mon was a mutual feeling of desperation. One of

the women was a softly-spoken grandmother with

custody of her two young granddaughters. She did

shift work to support the family and was exhausted.

Another was a drug addict whose baby had foetal

alcohol syndrome. There was also a young woman

whose soldier-husband had been on operations for

months while she battled something equally tough

and arguably more isolating.

And then there was me. In all probability I will

never see those women again, but I'll never forget

their friendship during a handful of days when our

difficult paths crossed at rock bottom.

The paediatrician who saw Ellie during our stay

had said, 'The nurses push breastfeeding but you have

a choice. Do you want a healthy child or don't you?

If this continues much longer it will damage her

organs.' Ellie emerged from the experience 250 grams

heavier and I was a full bottle on formula feeding.

Ill-advice from the experts notwithstanding, I

thought if that was the calibre of mistake I was

capable of making while consciously trying to do the

best thing by my child, I was scared to think of the

accidental havoc I could wreak when I wasn't paying

attention. I can no longer hear a newborn crying

without my heart sinking.

I continued to breastfeed Ellie after that, but only

as a comfort thing — after I'd properly nourished

her first. She thrived from that point onwards and

bloomed into the kind of chuckling, smiley-faced

angel who stops the blue-rinse traffic in bank queues

and supermarket checkouts. Looking at her, no one

could guess that her first few months were worse than

miserable for all concerned. As far as she knew, she'd

simply arrived in the world and that was all there was

to it.

It took a little longer to turn myself around.

Wits' End Before Breakfast! Confessions of a Working Mum was published in 2005. An e-Book version is available on our website.

Are you paying attention?

2010-01-31T11:59:00.001-08:00

Author Winifred Gallagher claims that there are two distinct types of attention.

'Bottom-up' attention is evolutionary (we notice bad smells or loud noises and get distracted easily).

'Top-down' attention is what we choose to focus on (including work and pleasure). This controls the quality of our lives and the progress we make on tasks.

The sense of being pulled in many directions at once gives us a lack of focus. We're easily distracted by 'bottom-up' demands, including technological distractions.

We sit down to work and the phone rings, or pings a new SMS, someone tweets, facebook emails an update, someone asks us to have a coffee (or we just smell coffee), and suddenly we've developed a series of little rituals.

'I'll just have a coffee, check email, check my phone, then get started on this project...' (Or, 'I'll just put a load of washing on, stack the dishwasher, have a coffee, check email, then get started on my tax return...'

Start today

Take a minute or two to list your biggest 'bottom-up' distractions. What causes you to glance up from the task at hand and go off on a tangent? What little rituals have you created that take your focus away from what you set out to achieve?

Scientists have identified that the human brain has an optimum focus time of 90 minutes for one task.

Isolate one 90-minute block of time when you will eliminate your favourite distractions (including the distractions of easier work tasks) and give the priority task some 'top-down' focus.

Measure how much more you accomplish this way - and how much better you feel because of this - and you will start building your attention 'muscle'.

Where's the passion gone?

2010-01-24T12:52:00.000-08:00

Think of a time when you felt totally loved.

What convinced you of it?

Was it a certain look you were given? A particular touch? Was it that you were taken out to special restaurants or spoilt with gifts?

Were you told you were loved in words? Did the other person do things to help you? Did they listen to you in a certain way during conversations?

We all have our own 'love strategy' - the blueprint that 'works' for us and convinces us that we are loved.

Early in a relationship, all of the possible 'love strategies' are usually firing off at once. Special looks, frequent touches, hugs, beautiful 'dates', long conversations, gifts, attention and more. It's no wonder we're swept off our feet!

When a relationship deepens and becomes more comfortable, many couples drop the dating pattern and each partner settles into using just a few of these strategies to show their partner they love them. But are they matching the blueprint?

If you're 'touchy feely' and your partner stops hugging you, how do you feel? What if your partner likes hearing you say 'I love you' and you stop doing that? People ask where the passion goes. Sometimes it's as simple as one or both partners having dropped the key actions that connect them deeply with the other person.

Start today

Work out specifically what causes you to feel loved and articulate this to your partner when you can. Find out what convinces your partner that you love them and deliver a lot of that.

2010-01-17T13:41:00.000-08:00

Feeling overwhelmed? Stop it!

Here's a 5-minute exercise to help you deal well with pressure as we move into the swing of 2010.

Step one:

Think of times when you have felt really stressed and haven't handled it well.

Step two:

When you're really under pressure, what does your typical response look like?

Do you cry, scream, run away, flap around, get angry, depressed, sick or fearful? Do you head for the refrigerator? Do you not eat? Do you panic, freeze, stick your head in the sand, or blow your stack?

Take a few seconds to create a list of words that describe your existing 'stress antics'.

Step three:

Look at the words you've written down and be honest. How is this strategy working for you?

Is it successfully reducing your stress levels? Is it putting you in the best frame of mind to overcome your challenges? Or is it making problems worse?

Step four:

What can you choose to do in the future that will serve you better? Think of a time when you handled pressure well. What did you do differently then?

For each of your 'stress antics', come up with a 'stress fix'. Head straight for food? Go for a walk. Run away? Chunk the problem into baby steps. Flap? Breathe!

Start today

We all have a choice in how we respond to the challenges in our lives.

Next time something happens, stop for a few seconds and ask yourself: 'what simple next step can I take, right now, that is going to move me away from this stress?'

What's happening this week at WorkLifeBliss?

• We're putting together a series of brand new courses for 2010
• We're providing 18-page reports in response to our Life Balance Survey (see what the reports include here).

Back to after-school activities - how much is too much?

2010-01-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

Are you about to complicate your life and/or overwhelm your children with too many extra-curricular activities? With a bit of planning, you can strike exactly the right balance so that everybody is happy and stimulated. Here are our top tips:

• If your child is starting school for the first time, let them settle in to their changed routine before taking on extra activities.

• Find something they’re passionate about – don’t ‘flog a dead horse’ if they’re really not keen on practising that instrument or learning those Irish Dancing steps.

• Choose activities you can maintain as they get older – it’s cute to enrol a five-year-old in ballet, but make sure you’re comfortable with the increasing expenses and time commitment for upper levels to avoid disappointment later.

• Buy equipment and uniforms second-hand until you’re sure they’re going to stick at it. Young children like having a go at a variety of activities.

• Try to find a balance between physical activity and musical, artistic or dramatic or other pursuits.

• Be led by your child’s interests – avoid the temptation to re-live your childhood, or to assume that they’ll love something, just because their older sibling is great at it.

• Adopt a ‘fun’ mindset from the start and remove pressure to perform – remember that their prowess or otherwise is not a reflection on you, but your performance on the sidelines will reflect on them.

• Look carefully at the proposed schedule for the week. Does it work? Can you afford it? Is there plenty of ‘down-time’ for the children to rest, play and fit in homework? Is there space in the schedule for you and your interests? Families thrive when everyone is catered for.

For more tips on balancing work and family, including a free report on the ‘Top 5 mistakes women make when balancing work and family’, visit www.worklifebliss.com.au.

Get me the Epidural! - A chapter from Wits' End Before Breakfast! Confessions of a Working Mum

2010-01-11T15:21:00.000-08:00

Childbirth is a beautiful thing, apparently.

I can’t quite see it myself. First time around the baby was upside down. Or right way up, in other words. Matilda was born feet-first via Caesarean section a fortnight early and before the sucking reflex had kicked in, so she was tube-fed. I spent the first twenty-four hours of her life staring at my newborn in euphoric disbelief, self-administering morphine and wondering if I’d ever get feeling back in my legs.

The second time the baby was the right way around, but took a wrong turn on the way out. This may sound implausible, but I was in labour with Ellie for five days. Yes. Pregnant women often ask me which was worse – the Caesarean or the natural birth. I tell them one way you can’t stand up, the other way you can’t sit down. It’s as simple as that. Or as difficult…

I started having contractions precisely 103 hours before Ellie was born. I know what you’re thinking – Braxton Hicks. This is an obstetric euphemism for ‘false’ contractions, named after the guy who discovered them. Only a man would claim to discover contractions and then downgrade their severity. Hicks notwithstanding, they registered seventy-five on the Richter scale and were strong enough to wake me with relentless monotony every five minutes for four days straight.

Then, on the fourth day, they stopped dead. Had I delivered the baby and not noticed? I sat on the lounge – a large, dormant volcano – reading articles on how to induce your own labour. Acting on the advice contained therein, I consumed vast quantities of raspberry tea and waddled back and forth to the toilet.

Mum stayed with me during this phase and to this day we talk about it as some kind of shared spiritual experience: the calm before the storm. It was a day of stalling off the inevitable, and of long walks, which, together with the raspberry tea, were supposed to do the trick.

At five in the afternoon on the fourth day, I was back on the boil. But it was worse this time. Like, painful.

I was more OK with the pain than a fourth consecutive sleepless night, so I decided to have the baby that evening. Accordingly, I announced to Mark and Auntie Rachel (my sister, who I’d lined up to video the entire thing) that we were getting this show on the road, once and for all. Mum and Dad were summoned to babysit two-year-old Matilda and we piled into the car.

Twenty minutes later, Mark lugged into the hospital the bag I’d packed full of items like Tales of the Wind acoustic relaxation music, massage oil and a tennis ball, which is indispensable for bringing babies into the world (according to parenting magazines). Rachel trotted in after us, video camera at the ready.

‘Hello,’ I said brightly to the receptionist on the front desk. ‘I’d like to have a baby please.’

Forty-five minutes later my request was denied: ‘You’re not in labour. You’re having strong Braxton Hicks contractions. Go home and take two sleeping tablets.’

There was nothing in the magazines about sleeping tablets. By the time we got home the contractions were three minutes apart and much more intense.

‘I’m serious this time,’ I announced. ‘I’m in labour. I think we need to go back.’

I rang the hospital. ‘Hello, it’s me again. The contractions are three minutes apart. I’m just wondering…’

‘Whether or not to take the sleeping tablets? Yes, take them. We’ll see you later on.’

Brushed off? Well! So be it. I took the tablets hoping I wouldn’t sleep through the whole performance and got in the shower.

I’d never taken sedatives before. I can report that you shouldn’t get in the shower after you’ve had two – especially when you’re in labour. The drug tends to hit with the unstoppable force of an avalanche. I grasped the taps, reeled out of the cubicle, partially dried myself and staggered two metres onto Mark’s side of the bed, where I fell into what felt like a coma.

Two minutes later I woke in gripping agony. What new hell was this? Straight after the contraction, I regressed into my drug-induced sleep. Two minutes later I was shattered awake again by pain – a pattern that was to occupy the rest of the evening

I vaguely recall demanding the microwavable wheat pillow and a rocking chair. My husband, God bless him, carried the latter down the corridor from the family room and, with some difficulty, ensconced me in it. There I sat in what I was sure would be a bearable position. And it was, for approximately half a contraction, during which I seized Mark by the scruff of the neck and bit out: ‘Take me to the hospital. NOW! I want PAIN RELIEF?’

This whole ‘natural labour’ malarky was definitely not my thing. For the third time that week (I forgot to mention an earlier ‘false alarm’ on the Tuesday at about midnight), we dragged my parents from their slumber with a piercing phone call and headed for the hospital.

‘Oh! You poor dear!’ the receptionist sympathised upon my pathetic arrival at the desk – swooning one second, wincing the next.

FINALLY! Someone believed me! I was having a baby and this time I would not take ‘no’ for an answer. All I remember was being levered onto a bed atop a hot water bottle, which seemed to me to be the sweetest thing…

‘Do you feel something nice and warm?’ the midwife gently asked.

What was I? A six-year-old with a sub-normal intelligence quotient? ‘Get me pethidine!’ I gasped, ungratefully.

‘Yes, all right then. Roll over!’ she commanded.

Ah-ha! So this was her game. Little did she know I’d been involved in power struggles before. When I was a weekend sales assistant at the local bakery I had to fight the full-time staff for supremacy over the cash register.

‘I can’t roll over,’ I whispered.

‘Well, dear, you’ll have to have the pethidine in two shots – one in each arm!’

Was this meant as some kind of threat? I was in labour for heaven’s sake! I wanted to implode. I could hardly speak. The woman could take to me with a set of steak knives and it would barely register.

The pethidine went nowhere fast.

‘I want an epidural!’ I insisted, desperately.

‘Sorry, dear. You’re not dilating. You might still need a Caesarean and we can’t risk it.’

WHAT? Not dilating! But that’s impossible!

‘Can you have another look?’ I begged.

Hours passed. At one point Mark came near me armed with the massage oil, but I couldn’t bear the thought of it. Or him. Woe betide anyone who came near the black hole on the bed. No one could get near me. I was like a deranged psychopath holding hostages at gunpoint – everyone trying to negotiate with me through a loud-hailer – and not one of them bowing to my demands (like letting me go home, for one thing).

By dawn I wanted to be euthanased. The hospital staff met me half-way with the promise of an epidural. Apparently the old cervix had come to the party at long last and was dilating nicely. Better late than never, I suppose. I found this progress empowering and started asserting myself.

First, I sent Mark to the nurses’ station. I was convinced they were gossiping, instead of rousing the anaesthetist from the dead of sleep with the required level of urgency. Twenty minutes later the anaesthetist walked nonchalantly into the delivery suite. I flashed back to the day I fell head over heels in love with the lead trumpet player in the school orchestra. The doctor was tall. Strong. And, better than that, he was equipped with the little black bag containing the solution to all my problems.

‘Roll over,’ he commanded. And I did.

Within two contractions I was completely pain-free and he was my knight in shining armour. ‘I love you!’ I proclaimed sincerely. ‘Really, I love you!’

I’m sure he thought I was charming – beached on the delivery bed in my blue backless hospital gown and completely delusional after a week without sleep. He explained politely that he’d be a very rich man if he had a gold coin for all the times he’d received amorous advances from women in labour. Nevertheless, I was intent on marrying him, should an opportunity arise.

Finally, we got down to the business end of proceedings: pushing. And I worked out why they call it labour. The midwife was like the Phys. Ed teacher in school who used to holler at us out of the fog from the sidelines of the netball courts. ‘C’mon girl! Use the contraction! Use it!’ she urged. ‘You can do it! PUSH! You won’t come asunder…’ (Rash words, in hindsight.)

After about an hour and a half, with very little to show for my efforts, I decided that no, actually, I couldn’t do it.

‘I can’t!’ I cried. ‘I just can’t’

This seemed a reasonable enough deduction. I’d put in a big effort. Couldn’t I pass the baton to someone else now? Rotate onto the reserve bench for some frozen oranges? Wouldn’t someone rescue me?

And that’s when it hit me. I was entirely on my own. No one else could get me out of this. I had never felt so lonely and overwhelmed. And, as most mothers will testify, that’s when you get your second wind. You demand things of yourself that seemed impossible only a moment before. For the rest of your life that resilience – when you were able to dredge strength out of nowhere – stays with you and works for you in other challenges.

At the eleventh (or, strictly speaking, the sixteenth) hour, the obstetrician sauntered in and perched himself on a front-row seat, poked around a bit, broke the waters and settled back. He folded his arms across his chest and waited with a critical expression plastered to his face while I finished the job and earned him a thousand dollars. I will concede that he very kindly sliced me in half at one point after I’d ripped in several directions anyway.

Ellie entered the world with her hand in the air, shoulder wedged beside her head, cord wrapped around her neck, and desperate for oxygen. She was alarmingly blue – head squashed, eyelids swollen – and generally traumatised-looking. In other words, she was the most beautiful thing I’d seen in my entire life … at least since the day two years earlier when her sister was born.

I was a trifle the worse for wear in comparison and was sewn back together, speechless with relief and accomplishment and reworking my definition of ‘exhaustion’. I was as ecstatic as it’s possible to be when you have nothing left to feel.

By the time the milk and the third-day blues set in, I was too miserable to get upset. I lay on the bed feeling the way I’m sure a corpse must feel, laid out in the morgue. Everything hurt. I knew if I cried I’d only feel worse. So I didn’t bother.

If only the same could be said for my precious baby daughter, who developed an ovarian cyst and gastric reflux and quite understandably screamed for three months, without drawing breath…

This is a chapter from my book book Wits’ End Before Breakfast: Confessions of a Working Mum, published in 2005 by Lothian Books, Melbourne (www.lothian.com.au) ISBN 0 7344 0830 7) available in bookstores throughout Australia. SOON TO BE AVAILABLE AS AN eBOOK.

The Perfect Couple

2010-01-10T21:04:00.000-08:00

I read an article in the Saturday papers that quoted Michelle Obama as saying, "marriage is hard but, going into it, no one ever tells you that. They just say, "do you love him?'"

It's so encouraging when fairytale couples expose themselves as human, isn't it? Particularly if you're having a rather 'human' time of it yourselves.

Have you ever had an argument in the car on the way to a party, then emerged at the venue - a perfectly united front of marital bliss? While you're sitting there at the party - disguised as someone who isn't internally fuming - others are watching you, thinking, 'wish we were as happy as they are.'

It’s Perfect Couple Syndrome, (closely linked to Perfect Parent Syndrome), and it can unnecessarily damage your self-esteem.

Start today

Find something small that you can do today to positively influence your relationship (even if things are going really well).

Rather than ask what's wrong with your relationship, or with your partner (or with your date, if you’re single) make it your goal to come up with at least one thing that you can do this week to be a better partner. It doesn't have to be a big deal. Just a small change that might spark off a chain reaction. It could be as simple as making sure you say 'hello' and 'goodbye' properly each day, or finding ten minutes to sit on the couch talking, or simply thanking your partner for something you’ve been taking for granted, or giving an overdue apology.

Whatever it is, make it a step in the right direction.

Having it all! The top 5 mistakes women make when balancing work and family

2010-01-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

A mix of the same issues crops up often when I'm working with clients, so I've put together a special report identifying the top 5 mistakes women make when balancing work and family. You can access the report for free on the WorkLifeBliss website or email me to receive a copy.

Family Capers

2010-01-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

Here's a link to a great parenting website, Family Capers.http://www.familycapers.com.au/ The site links family-friendly businesses and employers with parents and offers a heap of forums on a wide variety of parenting topics. I'll be providing professional advice on work-life balance in their forums - looking forward to it.

Mamma Mia

2010-01-02T14:12:00.000-08:00

I took my mum, best friend, sister and two daughters (eleven and nine) to see the musical Mamma Mia in Sydney just before New Year (that's me in the hat).

Mum is in her late seventies and thought the show was far too loud and a little raunchy in parts, but otherwise enjoyed herself!

Adorned in my hot pink feather boa - my kids sporting pink and purple cowboy hats with glued on tiaras - I thought I was fairly obsessed, as ABBA fans go. Then l I sat down beside a little old man who had driven up from Bathurst for the show.

‘I’m eighty-nine years old,’ he revealed. ‘I was wounded in action at Bougainville in 1945. I love ABBA! They were the best band I’ve ever known. I used to run a car workshop, and I’d play ABBA all day...

Then he started telling me about a water dam project in Arizona and got a little bit off the track, but when the lights dimmed, he proceeded to clap, tap his feet and sing throughout the show and, as I dragged him to his feet so he could dance with the rest of the audience for the final rendition of Waterloo, it occurred to me that we can learn a lot from his unbridled enthusiasm.

So what if he was the only World War Two veteran in the audience? So what if the men were completely outnumbered? He had a ball!

Is there something you’d love to do, that you’ve been putting off because you’re ‘too old/young/responsible/unfit/busy/etc’?

Does the phrase, ‘what would people think?’ ever get between you and flinging yourself at life ‘like nobody’s watching’?

Think of something that you can do this week to ‘spice up your life’. Then go and do it, no matter how big or small it seems, whether people are watching or not.

How to set New Year Goals

2009-12-27T14:36:00.001-08:00

As our thoughts turn towards New Year, we sometimes contemplate what we’d like to change about ourselves, and what we’d like to achieve in the year to come. When ‘resolutions’ are broken it’s usually because they haven’t been considered thoroughly, and then we feel disappointed in ourselves.

How much better would it be to come up with one really important goal, to think it though properly and to set yourself up really well to achieve it?

Try following the process if you’re in a ‘resolution’ mood...

What do I want? (Of all of the things that I could accomplish or change in my life next year, which one is most important to me?)

State the goal positively, ‘To be trim and healthy’ is better than ‘not to be overweight anymore’. Science has found that the subconscious mind doesn’t process the negative, ‘not to’ – it only hears ‘be overweight’.

Write the goal down (goals that are in writing are far more likely to be achieved) and ensure it is something that is within your power to achieve (that is, don’t rely on others to help you achieve it).

Ask, ‘if I had this, or if I achieved this, what would it give me?’ (For what purpose do I want it?)

Think not only of the obvious and straight-forward gain, but of other benefits stemming from it. Try to build a bigger picture of why this matters to you.

How will I know when I’ve achieved it?

What will I see, that tells me I have reached my goal? What will I hear? What will I feel?

For example, if you are currently a little overweight and your goal is to be trim and healthy, what you will see is yourself in the mirror, looking terrific, wearing your old jeans again comfortably, or a new outfit. You’ll see yourself running around the playground easily with your children and hear them laughing while you chase them. You’ll hear compliments from other people and you’ll feel excited, optimistic and confident... you’ll hear that old self-esteem again in your voice when you walk into a room and you’ll feel energised...

Why haven’t you got it now? Exactly what’s been stopping me?

Be honest with yourself here. What’s really been holding you back? What excuses have you been making? Do these obstacles still stand in your way? If so, what can you do about them?

Is there a price to pay for achieving my goal? Am I prepared to pay that price?

Again, using the ‘fit and healthy’ example, there IS a price to pay for achieving this goal. You’ll have to eat/drink less of certain favourites, and find time to exercise, which you may not enjoy at first. Being clear on what you’ll be giving up or going through in order to achieve your goal is crucial. You’re far more likely to stick at it if you have analysed and accepted these things in advance.

Does this goal sit comfortably with me and with the people around me?

You’re unlikely to achieve a goal if it advertently or inadvertently inconveniences or hurts someone else. Make sure there are no stumbling blocks of this nature

What resources do I have, and what resources do I need to achieve this goal?

What emotional strength do you require? Who do you need to be on your side (speak to them about this)

What information do you need and where will you obtain it?

What is the first step towards this goal, no matter how small?

When will I take it?

What is the next step/milestone?

How committed am I to achieving this, out of ten?

Spend some time imagining yourself at some stage in the future, when you have achieved your goal. Bask in this thought for a while. Tie emotions to it. Understand that there may be moments when you stumble and fall on the way, but that’s okay. Just get up, dust off your knees, and keep going!

How exciting a new year is! Anything could happen...

This is Christmas

2009-12-20T03:57:00.000-08:00

I was in a Canberra department store on Christmas Eve a couple of years ago along with hundreds of equally desperate last-minute shoppers. We were queued half-way through the store - large trolleys groaning with toys, CDs, clothes, baubles, wrapping paper, wreaths of tinsel, tins of scorched almonds, paper tablecloths, serviettes and more. It was bedlam.

Then... HORRORS, the power in the store cut out!

You can imagine the scene. Nineteen cash registers flickered and died in concert, the lights went off and the air could have been sliced with one of the carving knives that were on special in the kitchenware aisle.

For a few awful seconds there was no reaction at all except for stunned disbelief. I braced myself for the inevitable revolt. Hot, tired, cranky, ‘over-it’ shoppers had already queued for more than twenty minutes in the inadequate air-conditioning. ‘Mass uproar, here we come’, I thought.

And then, unexpectedly, from somewhere way back in the queue, a man starting singing.

‘Dashing through the snow...’

There was a smattering of nervous giggles.

‘In a one-horse open sleigh’, he persisted.

Three or four voices tentatively added themselves for ‘o’er the hills we go’, and furtive glances were exchanged between strangers, while others tried to curb reluctant smiles. Imagine the vibe, a few seconds later, when a couple of hundred people spontaneously joined in with the Jingle Bells chorus. Just about everyone in the shop – staff and customers, old and young – was singing.

There was smiling and laughing and more than a few tears. Staff lit candles and started handing out lollies and chocolates and we all sang Silent Night and waited patiently for the power to be fixed. The registers and lights finally sprang to life and joined the festivities. Everyone broke into an enthusiastic round of applause - cheering and laughing and chatting easily with the strangers beside them.

It was one of the most beautiful, unexpected and uplifting moments that I can recall.

It’s so easy to get frustrated and fed up with a difficult situation that is outside our control. We do have free choice, though, over how we will respond.

When something goes wrong, as it inevitably will, we choose whether we will throw a tantrum or sing. We can give up and walk out, or we can dig in and look for ways to make the most of it.

What an enormous difference that choice makes. I saw how remarkably easy it was for one man to easily lift the mood of hundreds of people, within seconds, just by choosing the optimistic response to a mutually frustrating situation. As a result, something that might have remained an annoying incident that we all went home and complained about was transformed into an unforgettable Christmas highlight.

I wonder how many similar opportunities we miss in our lives, just by defaulting to a negative response...

Imagine the possibilities if you had no past

2009-12-13T14:51:00.001-08:00

On the weekend, I watched a fascinating television program called The Man With No Past. When his life spiralled out of control, 25-year-old David Fitzpatrick suffered an extremely rare, spontaneous loss of memory called ‘psychogenic fugue’. His entire past was erased from his mind. He had no recollection of his own identity, or of those of his friends, his family or his young daughter, or of any of the events in his life preceding the fugue – good or bad.

Living with no past was incredibly frustrating in many ways, but it also brought second chances. No memory of what had gone before also meant no recollection of his own habits or patterns of behaviour, or of his perceived limits or fears. David was given the gift of a completely fresh start. Every experience for him was brand new – no expectations - and he was able to re-invent his career, his relationships and his ambitions.

Imagine having no limiting expectations of how you’ll be in any situation. There’s no, ‘I was brought up this way,’ or ‘this is how I do things’, or ‘I’m not that sort of person’. Imagine what you would try if you had no evidence for, ‘I can’t’...

David has a clean slate and a future. ‘I’m back at zero,’ he said. ‘This is where my life starts.’

We all have an opportunity for a start fresh. Our past does not equal our future.

Think of something you’ve held yourself back from experiencing because of beliefs you formed about yourself at some point in your background (often in childhood). What do you tell yourself you’re not good at? Public speaking? Art? Maths? Singing? Sport? Relationships?...

What would you do differently if you had no knowledge of your past? What would you have a go at if you didn’t assume ‘I’m not good at that...’ and you threw yourself into it with complete confidence?

Australian Women Online profile

2009-12-07T21:17:00.000-08:00

WorkLifeBliss has been profiled in the magazine Australian Women Online. You can read the article here:

http://www.australianwomenonline.com/work-life-bliss-how-one-woman-made-a-career-of-it/#more-17202

It's nice to read that some of our easy-to-use strategies and tools are sinking in and making a difference in people's lives. Check out the tips within the article for making 2010 more balanced and fun.

Knowing when to quit

2009-12-06T13:45:00.000-08:00

I helped to sponsor a beautiful children’s book launch this morning (Riley and the Dancing Lion, by Canberra author, Tania McCartney - who I'd only met once at a seminar I gave recently, and who may be sorry she asked - read on).

As there were going to be clowns, goodie bags, colouring in and all kinds of fun at the launch, I thought I’d take along not only my daughters but my nearly three-year-old niece, for the experience.
All went very well until we hoved into sight of the bookshop, festooned as it was with helium balloons.

Alas, and unbeknown to me, at the local community carols event last night (where she was supporting my daughter in the school band after attending the English Ballet’s production of Angelina Ballerina with my other daughter), two-year-old Abbey had developed a phobia of balloons when a boy popped one while she was on the jumping castle.

As soon as she saw the first balloon (of about thirty) at the book launch, she burst into tears and wailed, ‘I don’t want to be here! I want to go home! I want my Mummy!!!’

‘Abigail,’ I reasoned (like the out-of-practise, early-childhood mum of a pre-teen and a nine-year-old that I am), ‘Auntie just has to do some work here, then we’ll go home, ok?’ (Auntie was supposed to stand with another local author and present our signed copy of our respective books to the lucky-door-prize winners as they were announced.)

‘Nooooooooooooo!!!!! I want to leave! I don’t want to be here!! I want Mummy!’

I stared at her in horror.

‘Here. Have a lolly!’ I suggested, (mother-of-the-child, you have to understand I was professionally-desperate by this stage.)

‘Nooooooooooooo!!!!! I don’t want a lolly! I don’t want to be in this place!!!’ Scream, screech, wail...

At this point a potential client approached me to enquire about work-life balance coaching.

What?

Oh - that! My core business...

‘This is my niece,’ I apologised. ‘My business card is over there, on that table...’

When a four-year-old boy jumped on an empty popper-juice container right beside us, moments later, it was obvious from Abbey’s understandably hysterical response that my Plan B of seating her on the bench with her cousins while I rushed inside and did the honours was not going to work. I sent my eleven-year-old in to convey the message to the host of the celebration that, regretfully, we had to leave.

Now.

No questions asked.

So, my advice is: know when to quit.

The Christmas season can be a minefield of social events and, whether it’s your balloon-phobic niece, your kids or yourself who is crying at the party for whatever reason - anticipate when ‘enough is enough’, and leave about 15 minutes before that moment arrives.

Repeat this any time you’re at risk of hoping things will improve at a social event, when they really won’t...

Pick your highlights!

2009-11-29T23:13:00.001-08:00

I’ve just emerged from seven hours of end-of-year ballet concerts.

The kids were brilliant (including my gorgeous little Scottish Doll, Carousel Pony and Pre-intermediate Jazz participant, who graced the stage for approximately seven minutes out of four hundred and twenty - and those seven minutes were the magic that made it all worthwhile).

You know what ‘dancing mums’ can be like. (I’m not one, in the traditional sense of the word... I don’t know the steps, don’t have the dancing teacher over for dinner and don’t know how to get lumps out of the bun or apply lipstick to a nine-year-old while she’s talking).

Well, a dancing TEACHER is like a dancing mum, but even more committed to the cause. Which is why I was delighted to read the following line in the concert program, written by the head of the dancing school:

‘With my daughter’s Year Twelve formal on the Friday night of our concert, I must take off my ballet hat and put on my mother one, and watch my gorgeous girl as she takes the last few steps of her schooling, before she moves into the big wide world...'

No matter how much your career or your business might mean to you, there are certain moments in life that only happen once. Choose these over anything else, because despite how significant you think you are – even if you are the boss and the brains behind the entire performance - the show will go on, whether you’re there or not.

Working late tonight?

2009-11-24T13:33:00.000-08:00

Today is national 'Go Home on Time' day in one of the most notorious countries in the world for indulging in long working hours and unpaid overtime. The organisers of the initiative - The Australia Institute - found that a typical Australian full-time worker performs 70 minutes of unpaid overtime per day.

That's nearly six hours of extra work per week - almost an extra working day - and over one month per year. According to NSW Union secretary, Mark Lennon, this culture is taking a 'terrible toll on family relationships, health and general community wellbeing'.

Many of my clients reel in astonishment when it occurs to them during our coaching sessions that they are choosing to work long hours, despite not wanting to, and - even more remarkably - not being required to by their employer.

They can readily see what this self-imposed habit costs their families, health and relationships, but they feel 'stuck' in a competitive culture where everyone is steeling furtive glances at their watches, wishing someone else would pack up and go home so that they don't have to be the first...

They log on from home in the evenings, 'just to check email' and three hours later they crawl into bed, having ignored their sleeping partner again, after failing to unwind or think about anything other than the work project that, this time next year (or earlier), they'll have forgotten about entirely. They lie awake in the dark, guilt seeping in while they determine to cut back on their working hours 'as soon as things slow down'.

They fear that they're not good enough, or that nobody else can do the work as well as they can. They think they have to 'keep up with the Joneses' or they value 'activity' (looking busy) higher than 'productivity' (achieving the goals) out of a mis-guided sense of guilt.

In exchange for their pay, they give their employer not just the reasonable execution of their job, but much more than that - physically and mentally. In the most extreme cases, they offer up not only their time and talents, but their wellbeing, marriages, families, friendships and lives.

These are people who, 'desperately need a holiday' in one sentence, and 'can't possibly take leave' in the next. They 'want to get off the treadmill', while frantically increasing its speed.

Some use work as an escape from other problems. Others 'become' their work, losing any sense of identity outside of it. There are people who stay late to avoid difficult conversations or responsibilities. Others admit to feeling like 'failed parents' - choosing to retreat to the easy, predictable sanctuary of the office where they know they can get it right.

Some derive all of their sense of 'significance' through their job, and none of it from their roles outside the professional sphere, becoming increasingly one-dimensional in conversation and thought. Others are afraid of what lies on the other side of 'slowing down'. What if they stop, look beside them, and no-one's there?

For some, it's an excuse. For some, it's a lifeline. For some, sadly, it's family. Even when it's a genuine passion, the longer the focus remains on work, the harder it becomes to envisage the 'whole of life' balance that exists within reach. The harder it is to even want that.

Which could be a life 'half lived'.

“Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling five balls in the air. You name them – work, family, health, friends and spirit – and you’re keeping all of these in the air. You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls – family, health, friends and spirit are made of glass. If you drop one of those, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life.”

Brian Dyson, CEO of Coca Cola Enterprises from 1959-1994

It's drink-o'clock

2009-11-23T12:54:00.000-08:00

A fellow coach related to me this week that she met an executive client who avoids drinking water at work because she ‘doesn’t have time to go to the toilet’.

What on earth? I simply do not accept that any job is too important to take precedence over basic human functioning. I’m sure that even the remarkable neurosurgeons Wirginia Maixner and Alison Wray, who worked for over 27 hours to perform the miraculous separation of conjoined twins Trishna and Krishna in Melbourne last week would have factored this into their schedule. (I can tell you now that if someone was operating on my brain, and needed to go to the toilet, I’d rather they take a break and avail themselves of the facilities in order to concentrate!)

We occasionally read stories about employers timing toilet breaks, or asking workers to clock off to use the bathroom, and thankfully such Dickensian employment practices are rare. When a policy like this is self-inflicted, though – when workers choose to deprive themselves of hydration because they ‘haven’t got time’ for the process of cleansing their system, regulating their body temperature and providing the means for nutrients to travel to their organs - there is something seriously amiss, either with their workload, their time management and productivity or their perspective.

Start today:

• Drink 6 – 8 glasses of water today – not just for what it provides your body, but as a reminder to take regular breaks. Rather than having a bottle of water on your desk, set an alarm to remind you to get up and go and refill your glass every hour. If your job is sedentary, this will get your circulation going and give you a break from screen-based work.

• Have lunch! If you’re ‘in meetings all day’, ask yourself why you accepted this schedule, knowing that it did not provide time for lunch. Be responsible for your health at work and assertive in protecting the provisions that you establish in this regard.

Wits' End Flashback

2009-11-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

I was ankle-deep in pizza boxes and seventeen squealing six-year-olds at Matilda’s ‘pyjama and pizza non-sleepover’ birthday party when the commissioning editor of Lothian Books phoned.

‘Guess what?’ she yelled (she had to – the kids were playing musical statues to Nikki Webster’s ‘Strawberry Kisses’).

‘Sorry Teresa, I can’t hear you ... hang on, I’m wading through the family room ... I’ve strung silver cardboard stars from the ceiling with fishing line – it’s like running the gauntlet...’

‘Gosh, Emma – you don’t exaggerate, do you?’

Unfortunately not, most of the time. I closed the door of the study to muffle the noise. ‘That’s better. Sorry about that! You were saying?’

‘We want to publish your book!’

The door burst open. ‘Mummy! Jasmine just spilled red creaming soda all over your brand new rug!’

‘That’s fantastic!...’ I squealed.

‘And now she’s tramping in it!’

‘Are you serious? I can’t tell you how wonderful this is!’

‘But Mummy, you love that rug! And Ashleigh just threw the fit-ball at the piano ...’

‘Ah – Emma,’ Teresa interrupted, ‘do you think you should get back to the party?’

The what?

I floated back into the family room and presided over affairs like the elated person I’d suddenly morphed into because of six simple words: We want to publish your book!